03/30/2010 - I Can. I Will. I Believe.

AS SPARKPEOPLE IS CLOSING, I'M MOVING MY BLOGS HERE TO RETAIN THE HISTORY.

This entry started out as a post for one of my teams chat threads and morphed into a blog...To give a little background, I started having some hip pain in November and pretty much ignored it until I had nerve pain in my back/butt/leg and was diagnosed with two slightly bulging discs in my low back. I've been rehabbing from that for about 6 weeks now. Another lesson learned - LISTEN TO YOUR BODY!!! (Plus doctors are really there to help and MRI machines are really loud!)

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So I personally made a bit of progress today...

Today I have been 2 weeks Advil free and about 3 weeks major pain free.

Joe, my physical therapist, has cleared me to go back to the gym and workout - except for squats, lunges, bent over rows, and overhead presses... I have his blessing to Zumba at home and build up my time there (so far have done 12 minutes without any ill effect). Great news, right?

Well yes... BUT (you felt that "but" coming on, didn't you?) I am AFRAID of the gym. I've been on this journey for just over 2 years. I overcame a fear of the gym a little over a year ago... and now I'm afraid again... totally different reasons... but I'm paralyzed again.

Joe has encouraged me to use the different weight machines... and to do core and balance work like before... BUT I haven't used any machines at the gym for over TWELVE YEARS. I've been training with Kurt and the only machine I've used with him is the cable cross machine... I'm overwhelmed at thinking about learning all the machines and figuring out a whole new routine. I'm AFRAID to work with Kurt as half of what I do with him revolves around squats, lunges, kettlebell exercises and presses... I can't envision another type of workout with him...

I've been STEWING over this for a week now... but tonight I "got brave" and e-mailed Sue. Now Sue is one of the instructors at the gym... she's been a mentor in a lot of ways to me and my friend Sionne. She's actually the one who encouraged me to take the Zumba Certification... anyway, Sue's "real job" is to train trainers. She's got a degree in Sports Psychology, she teaches all types of classes - strength, aqua, dance, yoga, Pilates - you name it she knows it... She's also the one to told me that I NEEDED to go to the doctor and have my back checked out because the thought my symptoms sounded like disc issues because she's "been there/done that" too. I reached out to her because I knew she'd be the perfect person to help me get past this current block.

Sue agreed to meet with me and help me!!! We aren't going to be able to meet up this Friday as our schedules don't mesh, but we're on for the Friday after that. I already feel better knowing that I have a direction again, even if I'm not sure exactly what direction that is!

I've been in limbo for too long now - really since last November. I need to MOVE FORWARD again. Bouncing between 160 and 165 isn't the end of the world, but it's NOT where I want to stay.

I've been looking at myself in the mirror lately and ONLY seeing the FAT. I look in the mirror and I'm 300 pounds again. I'm DISGUSTED with myself...

Then tonight I read this blog by my SparkFriend and fellow Orange Crusher, Simone:

My Past, Present, and Future Selves

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Several days ago, in response to my Whiny blog, a Sparkfriend suggested that I think of what my future self would say to my present self, and then suggested that I might already be my future self (thanks UUMOMMA). I started to cry (which admittedly happens quite often lately) because I realized how proud my past self would be of my present self.

My past self wanted to be physically active, in control of herself, healthy, strong, and happy. I am all those things today. The only thing I am not is in size 6 jeans or in a bikini, which wasn't even part of my past self's original goal. Those are my present self's goal (ok, maybe size 8 jeans--I have a big, beautiful butt to maintain).

So to help my past self get to know her future self, my present self went and re-read my old blogs. Wow! What a journey! My first 6 pounds, 10 pounds, first time fitting in size 18's...I was so proud of myself! I mean, I should be, but I've found that my definition of success is so much more demanding now than it was a year ago. I wrote about how I was proud to fit into a size 16 skirt that I had no business wearing in public, but did anyways. Yesterday, I was discouraged about my size 11 skirt still being too small. Where has my perspective gone?

My past, present, and future selves have so much in common that they really should get along better. I aim to help them get to know each other and get themselves on board with reasonable goals, realistic expectations, and appreciation of how far I've come.

I guess I'm not the only one who needs to step back and be friends with her "present self."

It was just the reality check I needed. Throughout the injury, pain, holidays, rehab, stress, fear... I've pretty much maintained... I've done stupid things, I've fallen off the wagon, I've gotten back on the wagon... but I'm STILL HERE. I STILL BELIEVE that I'm going to make it to goal. I know that I CAN do that. I might not make it to goal as quickly as I'd like, but I'm not really in a race... I'm in this for the long haul. I want to be HEALTHY for the rest of my life... and that means refocusing and getting back to business.

Those tips I have for new Sparkers - Water, Track, Move and Spark... well guess what - they're STILL the CORE of my program. I NEED to get back to those BASICS on a consistent basis again. Water hasn't ever been an issue. Sparking hasn't been an issue... but I have gotten lax about tracking and staying in range. I went for over a year staying in range - and I lost about 120 pounds. Guess what - maybe if I stay in range for another year, I reach goal and learn to maintain at my goal weight. Nice idea, right? If I get moving again and find BALANCE I'll be in the BEST shape of my life. Nice idea, right?

Here's the thing... they aren't just ideas - they are POTENTIAL REALITIES. There's NOTHING that's stopping me from making that happen except for ME. I have GOT to quit being my own worst enemy. I stop my progress. I FEED my fears. I hold myself back. I have to STOP those behaviors. I have broken down so many walls and pushed past so many barriers. I've been inspired, challenged, supported and awed by my SparkFreinds. I know that everyone on here who I've had contact with, no matter how small, has been instrumental on my journey.

The friends I've made at the gym, coworkers who are into fitness or dance and urged me on, my mom who still is my biggest supporter (and has lost 100 pounds herself!)... my friends who I grew up with who see my current photos and leave me messages that they can't believe it's me... the new Sparkers who stumble onto my page and thank me for sharing my journey because it gives them hope for their own journeys... every last person has helped me get this far. And I'm NOT going to let THEM or MYSELF down. I'm going to do it. There's no way I can't!

SparkPeople has opened doors for me that I didn't even know existed. Twenty-six months ago I was dying. I was killing myself with food. I was so unhappy. I hid it well... but I was miserable. I had no idea that if I could see my future, I'd see that I'd have a blast shopping for clothes. That's I could rock a LITTLE black dress. That I'd be a "dancer" or become certified to teach Zumba. That I'd own a road bike and be planning to do riding events and dreaming about doing a mini-tri. That the gym would become a second home and that I'd find so many new like-minded new friends. I didn't know that I had collar bones, shoulder blades or ribs! I didn't know that my fingers and wrists would shrink so that I could wear bracelets and rings. I had NO IDEA that I'd find a community such as SparkPeople and that I'd find a place to fly.

I truly can't thank SparkPeople's staff enough for making this site available to help so many people change their lives. I will continue my healthy journey and I'll do my best to Spread the Spark along the way.

Everyone has speed bumps and personal challenges and fears that try and hold them back. I'm no different. But seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, the flash vision of life as a healthy person, the dream of an amazing future... I'm holding onto all that. I'm determined to make it. I will. I can. I believe.

02/16/2009 - What a difference a year makes...

AS SPARKPEOPLE IS CLOSING, I'M MOVING MY BLOGS HERE TO RETAIN THE HISTORY.

So I've been thinking about posting another blog for quite some time... thought I'd do it when I reached 100 pounds lost... thought I'd do it when I reached Onederland... but it just didn't happen... so now I'm sitting down to write on my One Year Sparkversary, 02/16/09.
My journey really started on 02/10/09. That's when a number of things came together for me, and I made the decision to live, not die. I was so unhappy, so discontent, so miserable with my life... I hit bottom and knew I needed to change. So I turned over as many new leaves as I could! I decided that I'd SWIM. No more sinking for me... no more drowning myself with food, no more laying around too depressed and worn out to do anything... no more 12+ hour days at work that left me exhausted... I was going to put HEALTH at the top of my list to see what would happen. I decided on that day that I was going to CHANGE my life.

On that day, I wasn't really sure how it was all going to come about... I just knew that something had to give... and it wasn't going to be me for a change! I started by tracking my food in Excel and drinking as much water as I could. Back then, I was trying to get to 150 oz a day and that was a struggle... but I kept drinking! And seeing what I was eating opened my eyes in a way that nothing else could... I had no illusions as to why I was fat... eating a bag of potato chips every 2-3 days and a giant bowl of popcorn every night after pretty much starving yourself during the day can do that to you... especially when you basically got NO physical activity...

A day or two after that, somebody mentioned SparkPeople on a friend's blog on MySpace. SparkPeople? Never heard of it. But it's a weight loss site? Hmmm, I'll have to check that out! Another few days went by, and I sat down at the computer again to check out SparkPeople. I moved in. Plunked myself down here and found a home. Who knew?

That first day, I wandered onto The 100+ Club SparkTeam. Sign-ups for a challenge? I could use a challenge... That's how I became a White Hawk. I found a home within a home in the Nest. Moved in and haven't left there, either! The White Hawks pulled me through those first weeks - when everything was new - when everything was a challenge. But I got the tools I needed, the support I needed, and the ideas I needed to get myself up and running. I learned out to use the Nutrition Tracker and the Fitness Tracker. I learned to eat my freggies! I learned to push myself to exercise - even though 5 minutes of activity in those first weeks left me panting for air... I wasn't going to give up. I wasn't going to let my team down. I was hooked on SparkPeople - this site was EXACTLY what I needed EXACTLY when I needed it.

Soon after that, I found my way into a BLC challenge on the 30-somethings with 100+ pounds to lose. I became an Orange Crusher. There I met additional wonderful friends and challenged myself even more! My community and commitment to my health was growing, and I was losing weight and getting better every day.

One of my good friends from the Crushers decided to start her own SparkTeam after that BLC ended. The Challenge + Motivation = Weight Loss Team was born. And I moved in there to be a Butterfly, too! Challenge and Motivation is just what I needed - I was hitting my stride and starting to notice changes in myself already. No way was I going to stop... I promised myself that I'd do this for myself... that I was going to give it 100% and a chance. I'm so glad that I did.

Because now a year has passed... and I'm still a White Hawk and I'm still an Orange Crusher... and although I'm not currently in a challenge with the Butterflies, I am still active with that team, too. These 3 teams keep me going. They get me past a bad day, a bump in the road. They keep me moving towards an undefined future. They make me stronger, healthier, happier. I owe all 3 teams a lot.

But the funny thing about SparkPeople, is that as much as you give, you get way more back in return. I know I'm racking up a debt here that I won't ever be able to repay. Not that anyone ever asks anything in return. It's just not that kind of place. SparkPeople is a safe haven filled with people who understand the struggles, the temptations, the joys of successes. This place is special.

I wasn't sure quite what I was going to write... I had all these ideas floating around in my head... but nothing solid... knew I just needed to sit down and let the words appear. Right before I started... the Healthy Reflections e-mail popped into my inbox...

Do you accept responsibility for your choices in life?
"The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny." - Albert Ellis

Fate? Maybe... because what I was thinking was that I finally took control. I finally decided that I needed to change what I was doing. And I made it my MISSION to do that. I quit making excuses. I wasn't fat because somebody made me fat... I was fat because I made myself fat! And yes, I grew up fat... but it wasn't my family's fault that I was still fat - or gaining! I was doing all that on my own. And if I could make myself fat, couldn't I make myself less fat?

Well, the answer is YES. I have lost 125 pounds in one year. I didn't think that was possible. I remember thinking, wouldn't it be cool to lose 10 pounds a month? But I never thought I could do it. I doubted myself. I feared failure and success! Crazy as that sounds... it's true. But I never gave up, I never gave in, and I kept moving forward. That's the key... just never stop moving... setbacks are temporary... bad days happen... but as long as you keep looking ahead, you'll be okay.

And not only did I lose weight... but I change the way my family ate, too! Since my parents live next door to me, we eat a lot of meals together. Identical food scales sit proudly on the counters in both kitchens - and are constantly in use! As a family, we learned this amazing thing called PORTION CONTROL. I'm proud to say that in 2008, the 3 of us lost a total of 201 pounds. That's a PERSON. That's more than I weigh now! That still boggles my mind... but I'm SO proud of my parents, especially my mom, for embracing a new life with me.

I get asked a lot what my "secret" is... and there's truly no secret. Eat less and be active! Both things get easier as you go along.

But I guess my real "secret" is putting myself first. There are some things I need to do every day for myself. One of the is eat within my ranges. The second is exercise. I make sure I'm active 30 minutes a day. Most days, that's time on my exercise bike in front of the TV, but I do other things on the weekends sometimes, like walks or fitness DVDs. I'm also a big fan of the SparkPeople Bootcamp videos for strength training. I try to do one most days - otherwise I get lax about strength training. (Shame on me!)

If anyone new asks me for tips... I usually say 4 things:
1) Love your Nutrition Tracker. Log EVERY bite you eat. Weigh and measure everything you can. If you have trouble estimating calories, track BEFORE you eat!

2) Drink your water! Water flushes the bad stuff out of your body and keeps your body's systems lubricated! There's truly nothing better for you than water!

3) Exercise! Start off with small steps and build up slowly as your energy and stamina increase. 12 months ago, I couldn't walk on the treadmill for 5 minutes at 2mph without thinking I was going to die. But I kept after it and I got stronger and faster and better.

4) Spark! Make a SparkPage, join a few Teams, and get involved in a Challenge. The support, motivation, and inspiration are all there for your taking! Your SparkFriends will be there for you through the good and the bad. Here, everyone "gets it" and knows what it's like to struggle. If you're involved here, you'll NEVER be able to give back as much as you receive.

I drink nothing but water 99.8% of the time - and A LOT of it. I always make sure I get a minimum of 12 - 15oz servings a day. I use a 30oz jug at work, and most standard drinking glasses hold about 15oz - so I've just adapted that measurement (and use that for my ticker as well). Water is like a wonder-drug for me!

I also watch my BMR number pretty closely. I like seeing the math. I try to eat 100-300 calories less than my BMR and then exercise on top of that. (But at 250 plus, I was trying to beat that by 500 a day.) I've been lucky so far that I've been able to burn about 2 pounds a week doing that. It's getting harder though - and I know my loss will slow down - although my activity levels are coming up - so it's a little bit of a trade off, right now.

I Spark. Every day. For me, being part of a team means a lot. It's one thing to let yourself down... but it's a whole other ball of wax for me if someone else is depending on me. Right now, I'm fortunate to be a co-captain of the Hawks and the Crushers, so these challenge teams really keep me moving forward. Since I believe that leaders should lead by example, I make sure that I never ask anyone to do anything I wouldn't do myself. And I try really hard to set a good example by working hard and losing weight!

This past year has been AMAZING. I never thought my life would change so drastically - in just a year! With change though, comes new challenges - and even new fears... there's always that fear of going backwards... there's always that fear of failure... there's always that fear of the unknown... BUT what I have learned is that these fears don't have power over me like they used to. Six months ago, I was really having a hard time parting with clothes that was TOO BIG. Those "what ifs" can be hard to silence. But my SparkFriends AS ONE told me to get over that and get rid of that clothes! They knew I needed to let go of that to move forward, even when I couldn't see it or believe it.

Right now, I'm between sizes - that XL in Misses or the 1X in Womens grey area. I've NEVER in my adult life shopped outside the "fat ladies" department. NEVER. Neither has my mom... can you imagine what an adventure we're having when we hit the department stores now? And I don't have a perception of myself yet... so I look at something and think well, maybe that will fit... and my mom's in my ear saying, take the next size down - that's too big. Too big? Huh? That's a true story of our last expedition to buy workout clothes... I pulled XL sweatpants off the rack and she said take the Large. She was right. (Why are Mom's always right?) Truly, I think these sweatpants are my favorite items of clothing right now. Who wouldn't love fitting into a large for the first time ever? I mean, I weigh now what I did in the 8th grade. Seriously.

2009 and my next Sparkyear are going to be filled with new challenges. Right now, I'm 14 pounds from being "overweight" according to the BMI chart. I can't wait to be "overweight" - that will be AMAZING.

The next goal I have set though is a tough one for me. I've promised myself, and the Hawks and the Crushers, that I'd get my butt back to the gym once I hit my next mini-goal, which is now 3 pounds away. I want to step-up my strength training and build more muscle and I want to swim again. Stepping back into the gym is hard for me, since I've got some emotional demons I'm battling there... but you know what, I'm going to do it... Thinking about it is probably worse than just doing it... This is a new chapter in my life. It's what I want it to be. I'm done with the past. It's all about NOW.

My goal for the next year is to get to a healthy BMI range. Since I'm not sure how quickly I'll lose as I get closer to goal, I know that will be attainable. And I'm planning on seeing how things go from there. I truly believe that the things I've learned here will carry with me for the rest of my life. I've learned how to eat a serving of something... instead of 3 servings of something. I've learned that if I eat 4-5 mini-meals throughout the day that I can keep my cravings for junk at bay. I've learned that protein and fiber are my friends. I've learned that it's not hard to ride the exercise bike and watch TV at the same time. I've learned that it's pretty easy to make old favorites into healthy new favorites. It's habit to take my multi-vitamin and calcium supplement. It's habit to have my pedometer on me except when I'm sleeping or in the shower! It's habit to eat freggies with every meal. It's habit to have water with me throughout the day - at work, when shopping, when sitting at the computer. It's habit to have 4 or 5 soy crisps when I HAVE TO HAVE something. Those little crisps are only 25-30 calories for 4-5 crisps and they soooooo take me out of the craving zone with their mighty protein kick!

And I've learned lots of good lessons, too... Like I will probably always struggle with getting enough sleep, but that I feel better when I do. I will probably always struggle with stress, but I feel better when I manage it well by trying not to worry about things I can't control. I will probably always struggle with sodium, but that I can eat low-sodium when I put my mind to it. I've learned that weight loss is more than just eating better and being active... that it's a whole package... and if you only do good in one or two areas, it's sometimes not enough. You've got to put the puzzle together to see the whole picture. I've learned that losing weight is AT LEAST 50% mental - not just physical. I've learned that when you DON'T want to exercise is probably the time when you NEED to most. And I've learned that you can burn yourself out... so it's super important to make sure you take time to feed your soul, too. And I've learned that losing weight doesn't solve all the problems in the world. It makes you healtier and more able and more confident in some ways... but it doesn't make money fall from the sky, it doesn't mean that you don't still have to work at relationships, and it doesn't mean that you're invincible. But it does make you grateful for every day you're given. And that's a blessing worth having.

Well... I'm sure everyone is tired of reading by now... so I'm going to wrap this up with a GIANT THANK YOU to everyone who has been a part of my journey. I couldn't have done this without SparkPeople and the amazing people who make up this community. You've all touched my life - and helped me live again.


Audra

03/09/2008 - Breaking 300 - Going Down!

AS SPARKPEOPLE IS CLOSING, I'M MOVING MY BLOGS HERE TO RETAIN THE HISTORY.

Last year, I'd been flirting with 300 - usually weighing in around 295-298... then one day, I stepped on the scale and it read 301. I thought I was going to sink through the floor... and promptly got depressed and ate at least half a bag of Sour Cream and Cheddar Ruffles! Then I thought I could reverse the trend, but that didn't happen - instead it crept up... and up... and up... until I hit 312 at the start of my SparkPeople journey a month ago.

This past week was rough - I worked an extra hour each day at work, got stuck in traffic multiple days, was fighting off a head-cold, felt sluggish, and was in general pretty stressed out... so I didn't have much hope for today's weigh in...

However, despite having a rough week, I stayed within my calorie range all week, got in my veggies and water, and my promised 15-minute minimum of cardio each day and even a few upper body strength training sessions... and that pure determination to do all that got me a four pound loss this week!

I couldn't believe it... I got on the scale and thought it was wrong. So I got off, reset it, and did it again. And again. And then I moved the scale and did it again, and again. And it kept reading the same thing... 298. So I went to my parent's house and used their scale. And weighed myself 3 or 4 more times... and their scale also said 298. I still can't quite believe it... It was really hard not to start crying... going over it (the 300 mark) going up was one thing... but going over it going down is a whole other feeling.

I knew I wanted to celebrate this milestone - even if it's only a 14 pound loss overall... because I will never, ever see 300 again. NEVER, EVER.

So the first thing I did was post my weigh in for the White Hawks - it felt awesome to know I was helping out my team!

As a "treat" I went to Target to get a stability ball. I knew I wanted to get one to add to my strength training workouts - which I'm in the process of developing!

The third thing I did was to throw out a shirt that I've had for years... and I mean years... It was a stripped shirt with a v-neck that I always had loved... but my ex hated it... so after we split (which was more than 4 years ago) I always got a little bit of satisfaction about wearing it. Stupid, but true. However, it's long been downgraded to a "grubby" shirt to wear around the house - and in the past couple of months, it's really gone from bad to worse - splitting up one of the side seams and getting a small hole in the shoulder... So I took the shirt this morning, told it good-bye and put it in the garbage... My mom questioned this, and I told her that "I don't need it anymore," and I don't. I'm on a new journey to get healthy FOR ME and for MY FUTURE and getting rid of that shirt symbolized letting go of the old me and the past.

The last thing I did was to move to Stage 2 and to say good-bye to Fast Break! I didn't want to make that jump too soon - but after today and this last week, I know that I'm ready for what's next!

I want to thank all the wonderful people that I've met on here who have been so motivational and inspirational! I could not have done this without your support... and I know I'll be forever grateful for SparkPeople and all the Sparkling People that I've met!

02/25/08 - My First SparkPeople Blog

AS SPARKPEOPLE IS CLOSING, I'M MOVING MY BLOGS HERE TO RETAIN THE HISTORY.

I'm sleepless tonight for a good reason! I've just had a really good weekend! It used to be so hard on the weekends to not eat junk all day long... now that's so not the case! I'm so grateful to SparkPeople for this chance to change... I'm feeling so good right now, I just can't sleep! I'm motivated and excited for the next day. I can't tell you how long it's been since I've felt that way...


Even though, I still wish this was Friday night and not Sunday night... since the alarm goes off in less than 7 hours... and that will make for a tough Monday! Anyway, I'm going to take this energy and blog my story... one that's never been told...

First the present:

A few weeks ago, a few things all happened that brought me to my breaking point. I'd reached my highest weight ever and two of my friends on MySpace posted blogs that just resonated inside of me. One was posted by a fellow fat friend about all the perceptions of fat people, by thin people, by doctors, etc... the other was written by a friend I've had since Kindergarten... he was planning to take a leave of absence from his work to get his personal stuff in order... to spend some time with his family, to do some traveling, and to find himself. What both blogs had in common was that they spoke to perception and change. And it just hit me like a ton of bricks that I needed to finally make this change.

The other major thing that happened was a conversation I had with a coworker about keeping a food journal. I'd always thought that was a dumb idea... but I figured, hey, why not give it a shot... so for 3 days prior to discovering SparkPeople, I had kept a manual log of my caloric intake and my water consumption... but I was having a hard time finding values for all the foods and I was only tracking calories - not the other breakdowns for protein, carbs or fat. I knew right off the bat that keeping a log was going to work for me. I'm an Accountant. I love numbers. They're black and white. They don't lie. And when I vowed that I'd write down EVERYTHING - that really stopped me from eating everything. I didn't know it then, but I'd just made it to the starting line.

I have 3 extended family members who have had gastric bypasses and a bunch of friends who have done that or lap bands... and I just can't bring myself to even consider that. I truly don't feel that I really put 100% into it by making lifestyle changes... but all that's changing...

Now the past:

For years, I dated a guy who was also super heavy. We decided together to go low-carb. I read the books, we cleaned out the house, we ate low-carb and we started out by going to the gym together... the weight seemed to fall off him. He lost the weight two, three times faster than I did. He claimed he was never hungry (although I suspect he was using appetite suppressants). I was always hungry... and although I lost 60 pounds, it paled in comparison to his 130 pound loss... and the smaller he got, the less he cared about me. I'd beg him to go to the gym with me or to take a walk or to sit with me why I'd ride the exercise bike... and he wouldn't. I was devastated. I loved him and was doing everything I could to support him, but it wasn't a two way street. Once he lost all that weight, he totally changed... and he left me for a thinner model. I was devastated. We'd basically been together our entire adult lives...

In hindsight, his leaving was a blessing and a curse. I had spent years trying to please him. (We were together 7 years, and friends for 3 years before that.) So long, that I'd lost myself. I think it took me six months to figure out who I was without him again. At first, I practically starved myself thinking that if I could lose the weight, he'd come back. After about 2 months of that, I realized he wasn't coming back and I started eating in earnest. I figured the fatter I was, the less lovable I'd be... and I was never, ever going to have my heart broken again. I knew I just couldn't survive it. I rather rapidly gained back those 60 pounds and a few more... In the meantime, my parents moved from the Bay Area to the house next door to me. I started eating most of my meals with them... and well, I was a fat kid - my parents are both fat... they don't mean to be enablers to my addiction, but they are. So I packed on a few more pounds... and a few more... they had to love me anyway, you know?

So now a few years have passed, and I've been stagnant... and I'm TIRED of being me. Not the me on the inside, but me on the outside... My heart has healed and I'd love to find somebody to share a life with... but I won't even let myself consider it... not yet anyway... if I don't love myself, how can I let anyone else? But all that's changing...

For the future:

One of my friend's friends mentioned SparkPeople on her blog comment... I checked it out and signed right up! I was so inspired by what I found in the SparkTeams and the nutrition tracker was just what I needed... I immediately switched over from my homemade Excel sheet to the Nutrition tracker and I haven't missed a bite since! Having the data there in black and white is exactly what I needed to see. Having the support of all the great people that I've met online is exactly what I've needed... I KNOW I CAN DO THIS!!!

I think of the time I'm spending online tracking my food and my progress and checking in on the message boards as "sparking" - it's me giving off light! And I can't help but to think of the awesome and inspiring people I've already met on here as Sparkle People! Everyone has been so welcoming and supportive! It's exactly what I needed, when I needed it.
I know this is a long, long, long road I'm just starting to travel. And I'm so okay with it. I don't want a miracle. I want to be healthy. I want to be happy with myself... I want to love myself - and you know what - I'm starting to already! Just two weeks in to this journey I'm already feeling so much better about myself. This is doable. I may stumble and fall along the way, but I won't fail. And I have so many Sparkle People to thank for that!

My weight issues have always been super private. I look at who people are on the inside, not the outside... and I want people to judge me the same way. So I've never really opened up to anyone in "real life" about all this... but I'm turning over a new leaf there, too. I'm reaching out to my parents, my closest friends... I know that they'll support me on this. So far, they're all rallying for me, too.

Change is hard... it seems that major change seems to happen in an instant... but changes you want to happen seem to take forever... What I've already discovered though, is that little changes add up to big changes over time... so I'm celebrating every little thing right now.

To all of you on this journey with me, I want to thank you in advance for your support. Together, we can do it! I know it in my head, my heart, and my soul.
It's 100% now, the the tools, attitude and support to do it.
02/25/08

Dreaming about Dancing

This was me.  Christmas Eve Day 2009.  I was high on Zumba.

Oh how I loved those Zumba Samba Cargo Pants.  They didn't breathe great, but those straps swinging around when you were in motion...  I'm not sure I have the words to describe how alive they helped me feel.

I miss those days terribly, for so many reasons.  The near-daily endorphin rush.  The music.  The fun.  The friendships.  The way the day's tension would just melt away with the first beat of the music.  The giddiness when the instructor would play a favorite song.  The joyfulness after class when everyone was riding that same high and you couldn't stop smiling.  How a packed class could fog the mirrors over leaving us feeling extra accomplished.  The party continuing after class as we'd end up hanging out, dancing, choreographing, listening to music, watching videos, and finding joy in just being in the moment.

I wish I had realized how special those days were when they were happening.  I wish that I'd held onto them tighter, made more of an effort.  I wish that there had been a way to bottle that magic.  I wish those days, that season, hadn't ended.  I wish I still had that body!  That was damn close to my ideal weight.

I wish I hadn't let it all slip through my fingers.  I know that there's still Zumba classes out there...  but it wouldn't be the same.  I don't think the magic that was probably summer 2009 to fall of 2010 could be recaptured or reproduced.  Too much in life has changed for all of us over the past ten years for that to ever happen. 

But that doesn't stop the dreams from coming.  I don't remember dreams unless I wake up out of them, and I did that twice this morning.  Once, I stumbled upon an instructor tryout where one of my coworkers was trying out for a job at this made-up place that was part movie theater/part gym.  It made me itchy to start dancing with them.  And then I ended up falling asleep again (because who doesn't need a little extra sleep on a Saturday morning) and I woke up a second time, think time dreaming about being out salsa dancing with friends. 

Obviously, my inner dancer is dying to get out.  And I suppose I should look into viable local options to get my groove on again.  I'd really love to take on Latin ballroom, but without a partner, that's kinda a tough one.  But I think I need to find some way to incorporate dance into my life.  It would probably do me a world of good on so many fronts.

The Truth about Failure

I read this quote the other day, and it started to ping-pong around in my brain.  Enough so that a to-do item to "Blog about Henry Ford quote" was added to my planner.  And here we are.

"Failure is the opportunity to begin again more intelligently."  That there's the honest truth.

I feel like I fail at things constantly.

But these failures don't make me feel like a failure.  I'm not generally defeated.

There are lots of areas in my life where I feel I should do better, can do better.  I know I waste too  much time in front of screens.  I know I waste too much time worrying.  I know I waste too much time obsessing over little details that no one will notice or care about but me.

I know I am always going to have a to-do list that I'm playing catch-up on.  I know I'm going to get overwhelmed by my house, my job, and balancing my need-tos and want-tos.  Anyone who doesn't ever get bogged down by everyday life surely has servants, because otherwise, there's just no way.

I have been successful, only to hit roadblocks and setbacks that have led to failure.  

This has happened time and time again.

It's not easy to start over.  But the wisdom that has been earned and learned from past attempts is the saving grace that moves with you into the future.  Beginning again comes with the knowledge of what worked, what didn't work, and ideas of how to change things in the future to get that desired outcome.  Each failure brings growth and opportunity for reflection.  When we move forward, when we take that next step on our journey, we take with us thousands of failures, memories, and insights.

It's the failures that give us the courage to never give up on ourselves, our dreams.

So, my friends, keep making memories, keep learning and growing, and keep failing.

Laundry Basket Madness

This laundry basket of random crap has lived on the floor of my office for probably close to a year. 

I have no reasonable excuse as to why this is so, but it's been my reality. 

I knew it was there, but it had just become part of the landscape. 

I finally put "declutter the floor of the office" on my to-do list.  It was purposefully a very specific task to focus just on this laundry basket - because there's certainly a lot more decluttering that needs to happen in my office! 

BABY STEPS!


Here's what I found in this laundry basket and what happened to it all.

TRASH/RECYCLING
Fortunes from Fortune Cookies
Year-old Easter Candy
Doggy Poop Sample Container (Empty!)
Desiccant Packs (Moisture absorbents)
Contact Lens Case (I have tons)
Ball of Wax (Just Why?)

PUT AWAY WHERE IT BELONGS
Dog Treats (Unopened, within best-buy dates)
Disposable Shower Caps
9 Tealights
3 Tupperware Midgets
Notepad
2 Partially-used Posh Hand Lotions
Dog Collar
Nail File
9-Volt Battery
Reusable Grocery Bag
Actual Laundry Basket

DONATE BOX
Mermaid Tail Keychain

The kicker to this whole story is that the process from start to finish took less than 15 minutes. 
LESS.  THAN.  FIFTEEN.  MINUTES!

I let this junk sit on the floor of my office for 9 to 10 months, when it was a 15-minute clean-up job.  I'm questioning my sanity.

This speaks to being able to go "clutter blind" because you just get so used to the sight of it, that it ceases to be a problem until you decide to pull your blinders off. 

All I can say is that I'm working on it - one laundry basket at a time!

The Story of the Socks

I'm not a morning person.  I struggle every day to get myself out the door without being late.  I sometimes think one of the biggest reasons that I "hate" the wintertime is because I have to wear shoes.  It takes too long to put on socks and shoes when you struggle to get out the door in the morning.  It takes even longer when the socks or shoes you want happen to be MIA because you have organization issues and don't make it a habit to put things away (you know, like mom always preached).

So last Tuesday morning, I come downstairs on my way to work.  I know my shoes are downstairs.  I have remembered to grab my book and cell phone (the necessities) off my nightstand.  I have not remembered socks.

But here's where being disorganized comes in handy.  I had a pair of clean black dress socks on my buffet in the dining room.  As I'm grabbing my shoes that I'd kicked off the night before in my living room, I'm cheering in my head that I won't have to go back upstairs for a pair of socks!  I mean really, who has time for that!?

As I'm reflecting on this "win" later, I feel myself going from cheering in my head to hanging my head in shame.  WHY are there even socks on my buffet in the dining room?  I know they had been there for probably a week, but I no longer can recall how or why they were left there.  But, I had walked past them enough times to be cognizant of their presence.

As I went through the week, I unearthed two pairs of clean workout socks that weren't in their proper home, either.  One pair in my car and one in the tote bag I use going back and forth to work.  Finding clean socks is certainly better than finding dirty socks.  But finding no socks would certainly be better than finding no socks. 

I've started out 2020 with a goal to get my home in order.  This whole sock incident just helped highlight for me how much I really need to do this.  At the end of last summer, I had a friend recommend the blog "A Slob Comes Clean" and the book "How to Manage Your Home Without Losing Your Mind" by Dana K. White.  I bought the book and it lived on my nightstand, unread, for 3 or 4 months.  I picked it up last week and went through it in 3 days.  She speaks my truth. 

I had never considered myself a "Slob" - but it fits.  I can keep my kitchen and bathrooms clean, but there's clutter everywhere.  And clutter = chaos = a home that I spend a lot of my time ashamed of instead of proud of, when I'm working my butt off to maintain it financially and physically.

As for the socks, I now have a pair of dirty dress socks in my laundry hamper and two pairs of clean workout socks in the drawer where they belong until I need them. 

I'm going to end with a warning...  I have a feeling that a LOT of cleaning epiphanies are coming in the near future.  Get ready for the ride!

Tossing Out the Old Book?

I was originally going to title this post "Turning the Page to 2020." I was originally going to write and post this on January first. It's now January 11... what's being 10 days off, right?

It's very obvious to me that finding time to write is going to be my challenge this year. I've wanted to start a blog for a long time, but it's taken even longer to just get started. I've thought about it for years. I've talked about it for months. I spent a month deciding on a platform. And now 10 days to start actually writing a post. I like how my timeline accelerated towards lift off.

The old me would be mad that it took so long to get started. The new me is glad to be started. To see words appearing on a white page, as quickly as my fingers can go over the laptop's keyboard. I'm tucked in on a rainy Saturday morning with just the click of the keys and the heater doing it's best to bring the temperature of my home up to a bearable level after the overnight low.

I thought I knew what this blog, this very first post was going to be all about. I was wrong.

I thought this blog would be about losing weight, getting healthy, returning to things that bring me joy that haven't been part of my life in too long. And it will be. But now I see it's going to be about sooooooooo much more. "Finding Audra Again" may just be a working title... who knows! I am just excited to see where this all goes.

As for "Turning the Page to 2020" as a post, I was planning to talk about leaving 2019 behind and embarking on a fresh start in 2020. A new decade, a fresh calendar page, a new planner waiting to be filled with activities, reminders, and to-dos. I started 2010 on a high. And then it felt like everything went sideways - because it did. I have spent more New Year's Eves in the last 9 years praying for a better year. Imagine the excitement I've felt wanting to toss the decade out!

But nothing really magical happens as the page turns and we start working on remembering to write and type 2020 on everything. It's another day. It's how you choose to spend your time, and how you choose to react to situations that you may not have chosen for yourself that really matters.

I found this quote this morning, and it changed the trajectory of my thoughts:

“No, this is not the beginning of a new chapter in my life; this is the beginning of a new book! That first book is already closed, ended, and tossed into the seas; this new book is newly opened, has just begun! Look, it is the first page! And it is a beautiful one!” — C. JoyBell C.

While my past is uniquely mine and who has shaped who I am in this very moment, I do very much feel like I'm starting a new book while leaving that first book tucked away on the bookcase. This year has just begun, and the opportunities for growth and change seem endless. It is a beautiful first page. I can't wait to see what's next.