“SHE REMEMBERED WHO SHE WAS AND THE GAME CHANGED.”
– Lalah Delia
The most awesome co-captain/spreadsheet guru posted this quote on our team's thread today. And wow, did it resonate with me. After writing the blog last night, I think the little fire in my heart started to burn just the tiniest bit brighter. It's not big enough yet to burn the rope to win the Survivor fire making challenge... but it's lit and ready to catch with a little nurturing.
I am surrounded by people who care about me and reached back when I reached out. For that, I know hope blessed I am. For those of you who sent me love and encouragement (Ginger, Maureen, Dee, and more) thank you from the little fire in my heart.
As I'm not a blogger, I thought I would just go back and edit last night's blog with a few other thoughts. But a new page called to me when I finally got logged on tonight. Maybe I will become a blogger. I've always saved this space for when I've had a lot to say. Maybe I now have more to say. I type as I think, so it's rough, and would make my 7th grade English teacher groan (that was one of the 3 hardest English classes I had - counting my college classes - she was no joke), but this space doesn't seem to call for the purity of proper grammar when it's mixed with thoughts and emotions just pouring through my fingertips.
Throughout the day today, additional Advantages would just keep popping into my head. I want to document them, so that I can always refer back to the WHY behind this journey that I feel I'm just starting on. This will be a new journey. Not a continuation of the recent past. Not a remake of the original journey. A new quest - older, wiser, more open, more guarded, stronger, weaker, resolute. I'd say I was an enigma, but it feels like I'm just starting to figure myself out. And discovering that it's okay to be two sides of the same coin.
Additional Advantages to Losing Weight:
1) My parents are aging (aren't we all) and right now, both of them are in pretty good shape and able to care for themselves. Because we own adjoining properties, we're together basically every day in some fashion. We support each other. But I know a day will come when I will need to take on more of a caretaker role. We saw this briefly when my mom had her surgery last September. And it was not easy. Being the only person shopping, cooking, cleaning, and caring for 2 properties is a lot. It's a full time job on top of an actual full time job. And while I hope there are YEARS before I need to worry about this, I know I need to be MY best self to be able to take care of myself and them.
2) I want to be able to live independently for a LONG time. I don't want to need care at 60 because I've not cared for myself in the years leading up to that point. If I want to be independent and in control, I need to be IN CONTROL NOW and make some major health changes for the better.
3) I am tired of huffing, puffing, and being winded. My cardio-respiratory system needs an overhaul. I want to max out a workout from muscle fatigue instead of cardio burnout. I want to be graceful and move gracefully. I don't want the steering wheel to touch my belly if I slouch in my seat even the tiniest bit. (Oh, and being a healthy weight makes you safer in an accident, god forbid, because you're further away from the air bags - so bonus!)
4) I want a strong resistance muscle. I want the tools in my toolbox to manage food and social situations in a planned fashion. I want to take the snack monster that lives inside me. I want to get reacquainted with actual hunger cues. I want to use food for fuel. I want to eat to live, not live to eat. I want to learn how to find balance at a goal weight and have that be natural, not a struggle.
5) I don't want to be like my cousin. I called my cousin who lives in New Jersey today. We're been travel buddies for years and have a good friendship, but we hadn't talked for about a month or so. But we connected after we both got off work today, and he shared that he'd spent the night in the hospital last week. He started having chest pains at lunch, that migrated to his shoulder, and he drove himself to the hospital. (So NOT what you're supposed to do, but he made it there safely, thankfully.) Not a heart attack, but they found a 30% blockage in one of the arteries in his heart. They did an angioplasty and kept him overnight for observation, and he follows up with a cardiologist next week. He's 4 years older than I am. He's overweight, has a desk job, and deals with a lot of work stress, too. He cares for his mother, in the way I care for my parents. I don't want that to be me in 4 years... or less. My BMI is probably slightly more than his. And he doesn't deal with anxiety that just wrecks your body like I do. And I went on blood pressure meds a few years before he did. So if I lose weight now, I hopefully do not have to face anything like this until I'm way past my 40s.
In the span of 24 hours, I feel like I've been visited by the ghosts of the Past, Present, and Future. And I just pray that like Ebenezer, that I wake up each day, a person ready and willing to make lasting change.
That girl who lost half her body weight and maintained at 160-165 for a long time is INSIDE me. She's bursting to be remembered and brought out into the light again.
So yeah...
“SHE REMEMBERED WHO SHE WAS AND THE GAME CHANGED.”
– Lalah Delia
Punta Sur, Isla Mujeres - Nov 2017
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