I'm sleepless tonight for a good reason! I've just had a really good weekend! It used to be so hard on the weekends to not eat junk all day long... now that's so not the case! I'm so grateful to SparkPeople for this chance to change... I'm feeling so good right now, I just can't sleep! I'm motivated and excited for the next day. I can't tell you how long it's been since I've felt that way...
Even though, I still wish this was Friday night and not Sunday night... since the alarm goes off in less than 7 hours... and that will make for a tough Monday! Anyway, I'm going to take this energy and blog my story... one that's never been told...
First the present:
A few weeks ago, a few things all happened that brought me to my breaking point. I'd reached my highest weight ever and two of my friends on MySpace posted blogs that just resonated inside of me. One was posted by a fellow fat friend about all the perceptions of fat people, by thin people, by doctors, etc... the other was written by a friend I've had since Kindergarten... he was planning to take a leave of absence from his work to get his personal stuff in order... to spend some time with his family, to do some traveling, and to find himself. What both blogs had in common was that they spoke to perception and change. And it just hit me like a ton of bricks that I needed to finally make this change.
The other major thing that happened was a conversation I had with a coworker about keeping a food journal. I'd always thought that was a dumb idea... but I figured, hey, why not give it a shot... so for 3 days prior to discovering SparkPeople, I had kept a manual log of my caloric intake and my water consumption... but I was having a hard time finding values for all the foods and I was only tracking calories - not the other breakdowns for protein, carbs or fat. I knew right off the bat that keeping a log was going to work for me. I'm an Accountant. I love numbers. They're black and white. They don't lie. And when I vowed that I'd write down EVERYTHING - that really stopped me from eating everything. I didn't know it then, but I'd just made it to the starting line.
I have 3 extended family members who have had gastric bypasses and a bunch of friends who have done that or lap bands... and I just can't bring myself to even consider that. I truly don't feel that I really put 100% into it by making lifestyle changes... but all that's changing...
Now the past:
For years, I dated a guy who was also super heavy. We decided together to go low-carb. I read the books, we cleaned out the house, we ate low-carb and we started out by going to the gym together... the weight seemed to fall off him. He lost the weight two, three times faster than I did. He claimed he was never hungry (although I suspect he was using appetite suppressants). I was always hungry... and although I lost 60 pounds, it paled in comparison to his 130 pound loss... and the smaller he got, the less he cared about me. I'd beg him to go to the gym with me or to take a walk or to sit with me why I'd ride the exercise bike... and he wouldn't. I was devastated. I loved him and was doing everything I could to support him, but it wasn't a two way street. Once he lost all that weight, he totally changed... and he left me for a thinner model. I was devastated. We'd basically been together our entire adult lives...
In hindsight, his leaving was a blessing and a curse. I had spent years trying to please him. (We were together 7 years, and friends for 3 years before that.) So long, that I'd lost myself. I think it took me six months to figure out who I was without him again. At first, I practically starved myself thinking that if I could lose the weight, he'd come back. After about 2 months of that, I realized he wasn't coming back and I started eating in earnest. I figured the fatter I was, the less lovable I'd be... and I was never, ever going to have my heart broken again. I knew I just couldn't survive it. I rather rapidly gained back those 60 pounds and a few more... In the meantime, my parents moved from the Bay Area to the house next door to me. I started eating most of my meals with them... and well, I was a fat kid - my parents are both fat... they don't mean to be enablers to my addiction, but they are. So I packed on a few more pounds... and a few more... they had to love me anyway, you know?
So now a few years have passed, and I've been stagnant... and I'm TIRED of being me. Not the me on the inside, but me on the outside... My heart has healed and I'd love to find somebody to share a life with... but I won't even let myself consider it... not yet anyway... if I don't love myself, how can I let anyone else? But all that's changing...
For the future:
One of my friend's friends mentioned SparkPeople on her blog comment... I checked it out and signed right up! I was so inspired by what I found in the SparkTeams and the nutrition tracker was just what I needed... I immediately switched over from my homemade Excel sheet to the Nutrition tracker and I haven't missed a bite since! Having the data there in black and white is exactly what I needed to see. Having the support of all the great people that I've met online is exactly what I've needed... I KNOW I CAN DO THIS!!!
I think of the time I'm spending online tracking my food and my progress and checking in on the message boards as "sparking" - it's me giving off light! And I can't help but to think of the awesome and inspiring people I've already met on here as Sparkle People! Everyone has been so welcoming and supportive! It's exactly what I needed, when I needed it.
I know this is a long, long, long road I'm just starting to travel. And I'm so okay with it. I don't want a miracle. I want to be healthy. I want to be happy with myself... I want to love myself - and you know what - I'm starting to already! Just two weeks in to this journey I'm already feeling so much better about myself. This is doable. I may stumble and fall along the way, but I won't fail. And I have so many Sparkle People to thank for that!
My weight issues have always been super private. I look at who people are on the inside, not the outside... and I want people to judge me the same way. So I've never really opened up to anyone in "real life" about all this... but I'm turning over a new leaf there, too. I'm reaching out to my parents, my closest friends... I know that they'll support me on this. So far, they're all rallying for me, too.
Change is hard... it seems that major change seems to happen in an instant... but changes you want to happen seem to take forever... What I've already discovered though, is that little changes add up to big changes over time... so I'm celebrating every little thing right now.
To all of you on this journey with me, I want to thank you in advance for your support. Together, we can do it! I know it in my head, my heart, and my soul.
It's 100% now, the the tools, attitude and support to do it.
02/25/08
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