Dreaming about Dancing

This was me.  Christmas Eve Day 2009.  I was high on Zumba.

Oh how I loved those Zumba Samba Cargo Pants.  They didn't breathe great, but those straps swinging around when you were in motion...  I'm not sure I have the words to describe how alive they helped me feel.

I miss those days terribly, for so many reasons.  The near-daily endorphin rush.  The music.  The fun.  The friendships.  The way the day's tension would just melt away with the first beat of the music.  The giddiness when the instructor would play a favorite song.  The joyfulness after class when everyone was riding that same high and you couldn't stop smiling.  How a packed class could fog the mirrors over leaving us feeling extra accomplished.  The party continuing after class as we'd end up hanging out, dancing, choreographing, listening to music, watching videos, and finding joy in just being in the moment.

I wish I had realized how special those days were when they were happening.  I wish that I'd held onto them tighter, made more of an effort.  I wish that there had been a way to bottle that magic.  I wish those days, that season, hadn't ended.  I wish I still had that body!  That was damn close to my ideal weight.

I wish I hadn't let it all slip through my fingers.  I know that there's still Zumba classes out there...  but it wouldn't be the same.  I don't think the magic that was probably summer 2009 to fall of 2010 could be recaptured or reproduced.  Too much in life has changed for all of us over the past ten years for that to ever happen. 

But that doesn't stop the dreams from coming.  I don't remember dreams unless I wake up out of them, and I did that twice this morning.  Once, I stumbled upon an instructor tryout where one of my coworkers was trying out for a job at this made-up place that was part movie theater/part gym.  It made me itchy to start dancing with them.  And then I ended up falling asleep again (because who doesn't need a little extra sleep on a Saturday morning) and I woke up a second time, think time dreaming about being out salsa dancing with friends. 

Obviously, my inner dancer is dying to get out.  And I suppose I should look into viable local options to get my groove on again.  I'd really love to take on Latin ballroom, but without a partner, that's kinda a tough one.  But I think I need to find some way to incorporate dance into my life.  It would probably do me a world of good on so many fronts.

The Truth about Failure

I read this quote the other day, and it started to ping-pong around in my brain.  Enough so that a to-do item to "Blog about Henry Ford quote" was added to my planner.  And here we are.

"Failure is the opportunity to begin again more intelligently."  That there's the honest truth.

I feel like I fail at things constantly.

But these failures don't make me feel like a failure.  I'm not generally defeated.

There are lots of areas in my life where I feel I should do better, can do better.  I know I waste too  much time in front of screens.  I know I waste too much time worrying.  I know I waste too much time obsessing over little details that no one will notice or care about but me.

I know I am always going to have a to-do list that I'm playing catch-up on.  I know I'm going to get overwhelmed by my house, my job, and balancing my need-tos and want-tos.  Anyone who doesn't ever get bogged down by everyday life surely has servants, because otherwise, there's just no way.

I have been successful, only to hit roadblocks and setbacks that have led to failure.  

This has happened time and time again.

It's not easy to start over.  But the wisdom that has been earned and learned from past attempts is the saving grace that moves with you into the future.  Beginning again comes with the knowledge of what worked, what didn't work, and ideas of how to change things in the future to get that desired outcome.  Each failure brings growth and opportunity for reflection.  When we move forward, when we take that next step on our journey, we take with us thousands of failures, memories, and insights.

It's the failures that give us the courage to never give up on ourselves, our dreams.

So, my friends, keep making memories, keep learning and growing, and keep failing.

Laundry Basket Madness

This laundry basket of random crap has lived on the floor of my office for probably close to a year. 

I have no reasonable excuse as to why this is so, but it's been my reality. 

I knew it was there, but it had just become part of the landscape. 

I finally put "declutter the floor of the office" on my to-do list.  It was purposefully a very specific task to focus just on this laundry basket - because there's certainly a lot more decluttering that needs to happen in my office! 

BABY STEPS!


Here's what I found in this laundry basket and what happened to it all.

TRASH/RECYCLING
Fortunes from Fortune Cookies
Year-old Easter Candy
Doggy Poop Sample Container (Empty!)
Desiccant Packs (Moisture absorbents)
Contact Lens Case (I have tons)
Ball of Wax (Just Why?)

PUT AWAY WHERE IT BELONGS
Dog Treats (Unopened, within best-buy dates)
Disposable Shower Caps
9 Tealights
3 Tupperware Midgets
Notepad
2 Partially-used Posh Hand Lotions
Dog Collar
Nail File
9-Volt Battery
Reusable Grocery Bag
Actual Laundry Basket

DONATE BOX
Mermaid Tail Keychain

The kicker to this whole story is that the process from start to finish took less than 15 minutes. 
LESS.  THAN.  FIFTEEN.  MINUTES!

I let this junk sit on the floor of my office for 9 to 10 months, when it was a 15-minute clean-up job.  I'm questioning my sanity.

This speaks to being able to go "clutter blind" because you just get so used to the sight of it, that it ceases to be a problem until you decide to pull your blinders off. 

All I can say is that I'm working on it - one laundry basket at a time!

The Story of the Socks

I'm not a morning person.  I struggle every day to get myself out the door without being late.  I sometimes think one of the biggest reasons that I "hate" the wintertime is because I have to wear shoes.  It takes too long to put on socks and shoes when you struggle to get out the door in the morning.  It takes even longer when the socks or shoes you want happen to be MIA because you have organization issues and don't make it a habit to put things away (you know, like mom always preached).

So last Tuesday morning, I come downstairs on my way to work.  I know my shoes are downstairs.  I have remembered to grab my book and cell phone (the necessities) off my nightstand.  I have not remembered socks.

But here's where being disorganized comes in handy.  I had a pair of clean black dress socks on my buffet in the dining room.  As I'm grabbing my shoes that I'd kicked off the night before in my living room, I'm cheering in my head that I won't have to go back upstairs for a pair of socks!  I mean really, who has time for that!?

As I'm reflecting on this "win" later, I feel myself going from cheering in my head to hanging my head in shame.  WHY are there even socks on my buffet in the dining room?  I know they had been there for probably a week, but I no longer can recall how or why they were left there.  But, I had walked past them enough times to be cognizant of their presence.

As I went through the week, I unearthed two pairs of clean workout socks that weren't in their proper home, either.  One pair in my car and one in the tote bag I use going back and forth to work.  Finding clean socks is certainly better than finding dirty socks.  But finding no socks would certainly be better than finding no socks. 

I've started out 2020 with a goal to get my home in order.  This whole sock incident just helped highlight for me how much I really need to do this.  At the end of last summer, I had a friend recommend the blog "A Slob Comes Clean" and the book "How to Manage Your Home Without Losing Your Mind" by Dana K. White.  I bought the book and it lived on my nightstand, unread, for 3 or 4 months.  I picked it up last week and went through it in 3 days.  She speaks my truth. 

I had never considered myself a "Slob" - but it fits.  I can keep my kitchen and bathrooms clean, but there's clutter everywhere.  And clutter = chaos = a home that I spend a lot of my time ashamed of instead of proud of, when I'm working my butt off to maintain it financially and physically.

As for the socks, I now have a pair of dirty dress socks in my laundry hamper and two pairs of clean workout socks in the drawer where they belong until I need them. 

I'm going to end with a warning...  I have a feeling that a LOT of cleaning epiphanies are coming in the near future.  Get ready for the ride!

Tossing Out the Old Book?

I was originally going to title this post "Turning the Page to 2020." I was originally going to write and post this on January first. It's now January 11... what's being 10 days off, right?

It's very obvious to me that finding time to write is going to be my challenge this year. I've wanted to start a blog for a long time, but it's taken even longer to just get started. I've thought about it for years. I've talked about it for months. I spent a month deciding on a platform. And now 10 days to start actually writing a post. I like how my timeline accelerated towards lift off.

The old me would be mad that it took so long to get started. The new me is glad to be started. To see words appearing on a white page, as quickly as my fingers can go over the laptop's keyboard. I'm tucked in on a rainy Saturday morning with just the click of the keys and the heater doing it's best to bring the temperature of my home up to a bearable level after the overnight low.

I thought I knew what this blog, this very first post was going to be all about. I was wrong.

I thought this blog would be about losing weight, getting healthy, returning to things that bring me joy that haven't been part of my life in too long. And it will be. But now I see it's going to be about sooooooooo much more. "Finding Audra Again" may just be a working title... who knows! I am just excited to see where this all goes.

As for "Turning the Page to 2020" as a post, I was planning to talk about leaving 2019 behind and embarking on a fresh start in 2020. A new decade, a fresh calendar page, a new planner waiting to be filled with activities, reminders, and to-dos. I started 2010 on a high. And then it felt like everything went sideways - because it did. I have spent more New Year's Eves in the last 9 years praying for a better year. Imagine the excitement I've felt wanting to toss the decade out!

But nothing really magical happens as the page turns and we start working on remembering to write and type 2020 on everything. It's another day. It's how you choose to spend your time, and how you choose to react to situations that you may not have chosen for yourself that really matters.

I found this quote this morning, and it changed the trajectory of my thoughts:

“No, this is not the beginning of a new chapter in my life; this is the beginning of a new book! That first book is already closed, ended, and tossed into the seas; this new book is newly opened, has just begun! Look, it is the first page! And it is a beautiful one!” — C. JoyBell C.

While my past is uniquely mine and who has shaped who I am in this very moment, I do very much feel like I'm starting a new book while leaving that first book tucked away on the bookcase. This year has just begun, and the opportunities for growth and change seem endless. It is a beautiful first page. I can't wait to see what's next.