When we first read Beck last year, I wrote this blog:
https://findingaudraagain.blogspot.com/2021/08/06272018-day-1-on-day-3-time-to-stop.html
and there's not a line on it that's still not true. These are all top notch, 100% truths.
But why am I still rebelling? Why am I currently HEAVIER than I was last summer? Why do I continue to make bad choices? Why do I continue to let excuses keep me from what I want?
Because I want to lose weight. Don't get me wrong... To be healthy, vibrant, in control, happy, active, and free of the burden of carrying an extra person around me with all the time sounds heavenly. But I'm inconsistent with Crossfit. I quit going to yoga because it got so crowded at my favorite classes that I started having panic attacks. I don't otherwise workout at home, even though I'm 100% capable of that. I haven't even been walking at work because I haven't wanted to get sweaty (and it hasn't even gotten hot yet). I eat way too much. I eat way too much after dinner and not enough during the morning or afternoon. So I tank myself because I'm starving at the end of the day. Add my tendency to emotionally eat and my craving for salty snacks to that, and it's a recipe for disaster.
Honestly, I think that the fear of failing again keeps me from fully trying.
Honestly, I think that it's easier to just do what I've been doing than to make the changes I need to make, because it will disrupt the totally weird family dynamic I've got, and I lack the energy to really rock the boat, as things get stormy enough as is.
Honestly, I think I suffer from chronic mild depression on top of my anxiety issues, and I feel like a pilot light that is constantly going out married with feeling like I'm constantly vibrating from constant stress and worry. It's a bad combo.
Honestly, I still lack self-confidence and self-worth. And without that, it's hard to put the effort into yourself.
But there are some additional advantages to losing weight that I need to add, beyond this real and raw ramble I've posted above.
1) I catch my reflection in glass or mirrors sometimes, and I am shocked by how my arms kinda stick out to the sides because of my arm fat and side-boob fat. It's like the midas man or something, but worse. I want to have normal arms, a waist, and not be as big around as I am tall practically. I want to look on the outside how I feel on the inside.
2) My fat is also a cage. It's a cage that keeps me from doing what I want. Going where I want. Experiencing what I want. It's a cage around my heart, too, that keeps me from loving myself, or letting anyone get too close to me. I've been told by three different men from my past, two of whom I crushed on, that my walls were too high to get past. So I've built my own lonely cage and tossed away the key... and breaking down those walls is going to be tough.
(But since the Minions have been going to the "blush" zone this round, I'll also add that I've never had sex as a "thin" person or with a "thin" person, and that would be a pretty great experience for someday, right? Opening my heart, falling in love, sharing a life with someone...such a novel concept.)
3) I am afraid I may need to have my tonsils removed, and I'm terrified about needing surgery, even minor surgery at this weight, especially with my intolerance for pharmaceuticals. And god forbid something major happen... I'm an accident waiting to happen with this much added pressure on my kinetic chain.
4) I feel like a farce. I'm a Captain and Admin, and I'm not walking the walk. I am honest in my struggles. But I can't say that I'm being a very good role model. And I know that I COULD be, if I could get my act together.
5) I'm 43. I'm not getting any younger. If I want to enjoy the next hopefully 40+ years of my life, I can't stay where I am now. I am massively unhealthy. I am massively unhappy. I am massively in need of change. Otherwise, why am I working so hard? Why am I busting my butt day after day if I won't be around to retire and LIVE to the fullest? I need to start NOW.
6) I have so little energy. It really sucks not having energy. Work is draining... if I workout, it's draining (even if I have a short-term endorphin boost post-workout). I get to the weekend and I'm sometimes angry that I have plans, because I'm tired, and nothing seems worth it when I am loathe to leave the house. What kind of life is it, when all you're doing is surviving work and not enjoying life? I need to break this pattern, too.
7) I can barely keep up with my house. Driven by the above lack of energy, my house, my yard, my paperwork, all suffer... some weeks, it's all I can manage to keep the bare minimum done - kitchen, bathroom, laundry... And when I get behind, it's like a tidal-wave takes over, and I get overwhelmed with all there is to do. Creating more energy will help with this need, too.
8) I want to fit comfortably into seats... and not worry about spilling into the seat next to me. Or having to keep my arms crossed over my chest to not bother the person next to me. Or keep my legs squeezed shut so that my inner thighs are sore for days afterwards. Or having the seat arms squeeze into me. Or having to mold my belly around too-tight tables in restaurant booths that aren't made for "fat people". It would be awesome to be able to get on the assault bikes at Crossfit, which now seems impossible because the arms come back when the pedal is down, and I'm too fat to maneuver onto the seat.
9) I am not heat tolerant, even at an ideal weight. When carrying an extra 140-150 pounds around, I'm REALLY not heat tolerant. I'm so tired of my feet being swollen. I'm so tired of my finger getting puffy when I even just walk in the heat. I'm tired of overheating, because I'm in a fat suit, all of my own making. I'm dreading summer and 100+ degree days. I'm dreading trying to fit into a swimsuit to even attempt some swimming or water walking with friends this summer, which is a perfect way to exercise and cool-off.
10) I miss the activities that used to bring me joy. Being on the bike trails, biking, running, or walking. Hiking. Dancing. I got to salsa dance one time with a guy who took pity on me and pulled me onto the dance floor. He knew what he was doing and I found it surprisingly easy to follow most of his cues. It was like flying. I can still remember the euphoric feeling from that. It was magical. I'd love to find a dance partner out there and fly again.
11) If I can get the scale moving in the downward direction, I think it would help with my anxiety, depression, self-confidence, and self-worth. I'm sure it would also help with my blood work, my blood pressure, and my energy levels. I really, really, really need this.
I know what I need to do. I just need to actually do it.
My lowest weight - Nov 2009
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