The End of an Era

I joined SparkPeople 02/16/2008.  This community has been a huge part of my life for the last 13.5 years.  I've made some of the best friends imaginable through this site.  So finding out 2 months ago that the site was closing was devastating.  SparkPeople closes the doors for good on August 17, 2021.  In these past years, I've got a log-on rate of 82% - which means I've logged on for the equivalent of 11 years.  Not a bad record.  

In 2008, my mom and I lost 170 pounds between us, by eating better, moving more, and NOT doing anything drastic.  Whatever happened that year, everything just worked for us both.  I look back now and feel like it was magic.  Because it sure hasn't been as easy in the years since then.   

Christmas 2008

But there's no "give up" in me.  Despite all that's happened, my dream to get healthy again is alive and well.  And moving to MyFitnessPal!  I've had an inactive account there for years, so I'm NewStart127 over on that site, too.  Never was a fan of MFP, but they are at least not leaving their members in the lurch, so I'm going to do my best to make a new home there and thrive. 

It's been super emotional for me, going through old blogs, my friend list, my teams, my saved articles, recipes, and messages.  SO MUCH HISTORY.  I wish this change wasn't happening, but I can't wish it away.  It's coming, it's almost here, and I can't stop it.  So I am trying hard to embrace the change and what the future holds...  who knows, maybe moving platforms will be the magic I need to get going again.  

I am going to leave off here with the last bits of my history from my profile.  

SparkPeople, I'm going to miss you.  It was a hell of a ride.

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Welcome to my SparkPage. I moved my original introduction to a blog, so that my story would be saved. Now I have a clean slate to start the next part of my journey. I hope you enjoy reading my story and that you always remember that YOU CAN DO IT no matter how impossible it may sometimes seem.

Spread the Spark and BELIEVE in yourself.

01/13/13 - In 2008 and 2009, I was on a roll... I lost half my body weight, was active and feeling good (see blog posted 1/13/13) - and then it was 2010 and I hurt my back, my yellow lab, Cameron, died suddenly at age 8, I hurt my knee, I lost my mojo, started struggling. Then it was 2011, my knee still hurt and my gallbladder blew up and I was 40 pounds heavier... my mojo was still missing, I kept gaining weight and losing my confidence and self-worth. Then it was 2012 and I decided I was going to do a triathlon. That was a great experience (see blog posted 09/09/12) and I started to get my mojo back. After the triathlon, I joined a relay team and did 5.7 miles in the California International Marathon relay in December. Fast forward to the New Year and I was "lucky number 13" in the New Year's Dualathlon, which I did with my friend Ralene on two official days of training, because we were determined to set our intention for the New Year - ACTIVE and a little CRAZY. It's a good mix, right? 2013 is the year I WILL get back on track with my weight loss and will rediscover my self-worth. Onederland, here I come again!

09/01/14 - 2013 was a year of biking, swimming, walking, running, strength training... and continued weight gain. Despite best efforts and hours of activities logged, my metabolism still didn't cooperate. But that didn't mean I didn't keep going... another triathlon, 5ks, 32 miles in a Fondo bike event, 5.9 miles at a record pace for that distance in CIM... but it was very frustrating. And if I thought 2013 was frustrating, I had no idea what 2014 had in store for me... I hurt my knee the day after I signed up for my first 10k. Then I irritated my shoulder. Went to PT and was getting better when I had an allergic reaction to antibiotics - one that left me with neuropathy in my head. And in all the follow-ups from that, we found a node on my thyroid that's requiring some additional testing. And while all of that is going on, I have somehow refound the desire to move forward, despite all these medical challenges. So that's where all this starts again. Pulling up my bootstraps, putting on my big girl panties, and finding all the determination I once had.

01/04/15 - 2014 was a year of survival... visits to 4 different "ologists", 4 allergic reactions, nearly dying, living in constant fear... it was overwhelming, and I couldn't wait to turn the page to 2015. Ready to find all the ways I can to MOVE FORWARD and THRIVE. 2015 is my year to return to SparkPeople and be part of this amazing community in a bigger way than I have been in years. And 2015 is my year to return to living life, not just barely getting by. I've picked THRIVE as my word to live by... I still have many challenges ahead of me, but I can still find ways to live a rich and full life. Happy New Year to my Spark Family!

11/01/15 - 2015 has not been without its challenges... most recently, bad anxiety, mostly brought on by severe work stress. Anxiety this bad has been eye opening in so many ways... and I'm so grateful for the people who stuck by me, even as I did my best to shut myself off from the world. I have gotten up today filled with peace and promise. Maybe it's the rain falling outside, the extra hour of sleep, the turning of another calendar page... but it seems like getting back to my "old self, but better" is possible.

9/18/16 - I am loving the promise of Fall and a cooler season... I am still struggling with anxiety, but most of my health issues have started to settle down, and I'm finally starting to feel more like me again. However, the "me" I really want to be, is the me about 6 years ago - and I have a lot of work ahead of me to get back to that level of fitness and health.

04/02/17 - 2017 has been off to a rocky start. But with the help of sunshine and a new therapist, I'm finding "my old self" buried behind the fear, anxiety, and depression that I've been struggling with for a long while now. I've started to MOVE again, and with movement, comes a sense of strength and power that has been lacking. Now, to keep it up and embracing change that is GOOD for my physical, mental and spiritual well-being.

01/01/20 - I have been through so many changes in the past couple of years, so it's odd to feel so "stuck in place." But weight-wise, that's exactly the case. I can't seem to get myself moving and grooving, and the last six months have seen me get in hardly any formal exercise. In December, I started putting things in place that would allow me to change that in 2020, and so far, so good! I have BIG DREAMS, LOFTY GOALS, and PLANS to really TRANSFORM ME on all levels this year. Time to let 2020 take flight!

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A Toast:  To moving forward. To being brave. To making good choices. To finding mindfulness with each breath. To community. 

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Enjoy the little things in life because one day you`ll look back and realize they were the big things. -Kurt Vonnegut

If we wait for the moment when everything, absolutely everything, is ready, we shall never begin. -Ivan Turgenev

Dream big and then work to make those dreams come true! We're all stronger than we think we are! -Me!

05/15/2019 - It All Started with a Blog and a Quote (More Advantages)

AS SPARKPEOPLE IS CLOSING, I'M MOVING MY BLOGS HERE TO RETAIN THE HISTORY.

“SHE REMEMBERED WHO SHE WAS AND THE GAME CHANGED.”
– Lalah Delia

The most awesome co-captain/spreadsheet guru posted this quote on our team's thread today. And wow, did it resonate with me. After writing the blog last night, I think the little fire in my heart started to burn just the tiniest bit brighter. It's not big enough yet to burn the rope to win the Survivor fire making challenge... but it's lit and ready to catch with a little nurturing.

I am surrounded by people who care about me and reached back when I reached out. For that, I know hope blessed I am. For those of you who sent me love and encouragement (Ginger, Maureen, Dee, and more) thank you from the little fire in my heart.

As I'm not a blogger, I thought I would just go back and edit last night's blog with a few other thoughts. But a new page called to me when I finally got logged on tonight. Maybe I will become a blogger. I've always saved this space for when I've had a lot to say. Maybe I now have more to say. I type as I think, so it's rough, and would make my 7th grade English teacher groan (that was one of the 3 hardest English classes I had - counting my college classes - she was no joke), but this space doesn't seem to call for the purity of proper grammar when it's mixed with thoughts and emotions just pouring through my fingertips.

Throughout the day today, additional Advantages would just keep popping into my head. I want to document them, so that I can always refer back to the WHY behind this journey that I feel I'm just starting on. This will be a new journey. Not a continuation of the recent past. Not a remake of the original journey. A new quest - older, wiser, more open, more guarded, stronger, weaker, resolute. I'd say I was an enigma, but it feels like I'm just starting to figure myself out. And discovering that it's okay to be two sides of the same coin.

Additional Advantages to Losing Weight:

1) My parents are aging (aren't we all) and right now, both of them are in pretty good shape and able to care for themselves. Because we own adjoining properties, we're together basically every day in some fashion. We support each other. But I know a day will come when I will need to take on more of a caretaker role. We saw this briefly when my mom had her surgery last September. And it was not easy. Being the only person shopping, cooking, cleaning, and caring for 2 properties is a lot. It's a full time job on top of an actual full time job. And while I hope there are YEARS before I need to worry about this, I know I need to be MY best self to be able to take care of myself and them.

2) I want to be able to live independently for a LONG time. I don't want to need care at 60 because I've not cared for myself in the years leading up to that point. If I want to be independent and in control, I need to be IN CONTROL NOW and make some major health changes for the better.

3) I am tired of huffing, puffing, and being winded. My cardio-respiratory system needs an overhaul. I want to max out a workout from muscle fatigue instead of cardio burnout. I want to be graceful and move gracefully. I don't want the steering wheel to touch my belly if I slouch in my seat even the tiniest bit. (Oh, and being a healthy weight makes you safer in an accident, god forbid, because you're further away from the air bags - so bonus!)

4) I want a strong resistance muscle. I want the tools in my toolbox to manage food and social situations in a planned fashion. I want to take the snack monster that lives inside me. I want to get reacquainted with actual hunger cues. I want to use food for fuel. I want to eat to live, not live to eat. I want to learn how to find balance at a goal weight and have that be natural, not a struggle.

5) I don't want to be like my cousin. I called my cousin who lives in New Jersey today. We're been travel buddies for years and have a good friendship, but we hadn't talked for about a month or so. But we connected after we both got off work today, and he shared that he'd spent the night in the hospital last week. He started having chest pains at lunch, that migrated to his shoulder, and he drove himself to the hospital. (So NOT what you're supposed to do, but he made it there safely, thankfully.) Not a heart attack, but they found a 30% blockage in one of the arteries in his heart. They did an angioplasty and kept him overnight for observation, and he follows up with a cardiologist next week. He's 4 years older than I am. He's overweight, has a desk job, and deals with a lot of work stress, too. He cares for his mother, in the way I care for my parents. I don't want that to be me in 4 years... or less. My BMI is probably slightly more than his. And he doesn't deal with anxiety that just wrecks your body like I do. And I went on blood pressure meds a few years before he did. So if I lose weight now, I hopefully do not have to face anything like this until I'm way past my 40s.

In the span of 24 hours, I feel like I've been visited by the ghosts of the Past, Present, and Future. And I just pray that like Ebenezer, that I wake up each day, a person ready and willing to make lasting change.

That girl who lost half her body weight and maintained at 160-165 for a long time is INSIDE me. She's bursting to be remembered and brought out into the light again.

So yeah...
“SHE REMEMBERED WHO SHE WAS AND THE GAME CHANGED.”
– Lalah Delia

Punta Sur, Isla Mujeres - Nov 2017

05/14/2019 - Advantages, Round 2 (Why am I still rebelling?)

AS SPARKPEOPLE IS CLOSING, I'M MOVING MY BLOGS HERE TO RETAIN THE HISTORY.

When we first read Beck last year, I wrote this blog:
https://findingaudraagain.blogspot.com/2021/08/06272018-day-1-on-day-3-time-to-stop.html
and there's not a line on it that's still not true. These are all top notch, 100% truths.

But why am I still rebelling? Why am I currently HEAVIER than I was last summer? Why do I continue to make bad choices? Why do I continue to let excuses keep me from what I want?

Because I want to lose weight. Don't get me wrong... To be healthy, vibrant, in control, happy, active, and free of the burden of carrying an extra person around me with all the time sounds heavenly. But I'm inconsistent with Crossfit. I quit going to yoga because it got so crowded at my favorite classes that I started having panic attacks. I don't otherwise workout at home, even though I'm 100% capable of that. I haven't even been walking at work because I haven't wanted to get sweaty (and it hasn't even gotten hot yet). I eat way too much. I eat way too much after dinner and not enough during the morning or afternoon. So I tank myself because I'm starving at the end of the day. Add my tendency to emotionally eat and my craving for salty snacks to that, and it's a recipe for disaster.

Honestly, I think that the fear of failing again keeps me from fully trying.
Honestly, I think that it's easier to just do what I've been doing than to make the changes I need to make, because it will disrupt the totally weird family dynamic I've got, and I lack the energy to really rock the boat, as things get stormy enough as is.
Honestly, I think I suffer from chronic mild depression on top of my anxiety issues, and I feel like a pilot light that is constantly going out married with feeling like I'm constantly vibrating from constant stress and worry. It's a bad combo.
Honestly, I still lack self-confidence and self-worth. And without that, it's hard to put the effort into yourself.

But there are some additional advantages to losing weight that I need to add, beyond this real and raw ramble I've posted above.

1) I catch my reflection in glass or mirrors sometimes, and I am shocked by how my arms kinda stick out to the sides because of my arm fat and side-boob fat. It's like the midas man or something, but worse. I want to have normal arms, a waist, and not be as big around as I am tall practically. I want to look on the outside how I feel on the inside.

2) My fat is also a cage. It's a cage that keeps me from doing what I want. Going where I want. Experiencing what I want. It's a cage around my heart, too, that keeps me from loving myself, or letting anyone get too close to me. I've been told by three different men from my past, two of whom I crushed on, that my walls were too high to get past. So I've built my own lonely cage and tossed away the key... and breaking down those walls is going to be tough.
(But since the Minions have been going to the "blush" zone this round, I'll also add that I've never had sex as a "thin" person or with a "thin" person, and that would be a pretty great experience for someday, right? Opening my heart, falling in love, sharing a life with someone...such a novel concept.)

3) I am afraid I may need to have my tonsils removed, and I'm terrified about needing surgery, even minor surgery at this weight, especially with my intolerance for pharmaceuticals. And god forbid something major happen... I'm an accident waiting to happen with this much added pressure on my kinetic chain.

4) I feel like a farce. I'm a Captain and Admin, and I'm not walking the walk. I am honest in my struggles. But I can't say that I'm being a very good role model. And I know that I COULD be, if I could get my act together.

5) I'm 43. I'm not getting any younger. If I want to enjoy the next hopefully 40+ years of my life, I can't stay where I am now. I am massively unhealthy. I am massively unhappy. I am massively in need of change. Otherwise, why am I working so hard? Why am I busting my butt day after day if I won't be around to retire and LIVE to the fullest? I need to start NOW.

6) I have so little energy. It really sucks not having energy. Work is draining... if I workout, it's draining (even if I have a short-term endorphin boost post-workout). I get to the weekend and I'm sometimes angry that I have plans, because I'm tired, and nothing seems worth it when I am loathe to leave the house. What kind of life is it, when all you're doing is surviving work and not enjoying life? I need to break this pattern, too.

7) I can barely keep up with my house. Driven by the above lack of energy, my house, my yard, my paperwork, all suffer... some weeks, it's all I can manage to keep the bare minimum done - kitchen, bathroom, laundry... And when I get behind, it's like a tidal-wave takes over, and I get overwhelmed with all there is to do. Creating more energy will help with this need, too.

8) I want to fit comfortably into seats... and not worry about spilling into the seat next to me. Or having to keep my arms crossed over my chest to not bother the person next to me. Or keep my legs squeezed shut so that my inner thighs are sore for days afterwards. Or having the seat arms squeeze into me. Or having to mold my belly around too-tight tables in restaurant booths that aren't made for "fat people". It would be awesome to be able to get on the assault bikes at Crossfit, which now seems impossible because the arms come back when the pedal is down, and I'm too fat to maneuver onto the seat.

9) I am not heat tolerant, even at an ideal weight. When carrying an extra 140-150 pounds around, I'm REALLY not heat tolerant. I'm so tired of my feet being swollen. I'm so tired of my finger getting puffy when I even just walk in the heat. I'm tired of overheating, because I'm in a fat suit, all of my own making. I'm dreading summer and 100+ degree days. I'm dreading trying to fit into a swimsuit to even attempt some swimming or water walking with friends this summer, which is a perfect way to exercise and cool-off.

10) I miss the activities that used to bring me joy. Being on the bike trails, biking, running, or walking. Hiking. Dancing. I got to salsa dance one time with a guy who took pity on me and pulled me onto the dance floor. He knew what he was doing and I found it surprisingly easy to follow most of his cues. It was like flying. I can still remember the euphoric feeling from that. It was magical. I'd love to find a dance partner out there and fly again.

11) If I can get the scale moving in the downward direction, I think it would help with my anxiety, depression, self-confidence, and self-worth. I'm sure it would also help with my blood work, my blood pressure, and my energy levels. I really, really, really need this.

I know what I need to do. I just need to actually do it.

My lowest weight - Nov 2009

06/27/2018 - Day 1 on Day 3: Time to Stop Rebelling

AS SPARKPEOPLE IS CLOSING, I'M MOVING MY BLOGS HERE TO RETAIN THE HISTORY.

I asked my friend Becky (BECKYLIVES) to read the Beck Diet Solution with me, with the intent of picking the best challenges for use as Wellness Focuses for the next challenge round with the Minion Cadet Squad for BLC 38. We’re supposed to be on day 3 today… but I find myself stuck on day 1.
The Day 1 task is to Record the Advantages of Losing Weight. Should be beyond, simple, right? Especially since I’ve written “WHY” statements for the past 2 challenges, filled with meaningful reasons why I want to lose weight. But yet I’ve dithered over this for the past 3 days.

I discovered earlier today that I was bothered by the author’s use of the word “thin.” I don’t want to be thin – I want to be "healthy." Nine years ago, I was at a healthy weight for me – for the first time in my adult life. It was staggering. I wasn’t prepared mentally to handle my new body. I certainly wasn’t prepared to maintain it. And I still thought I needed to be “thinner” and that took a mighty toll on me, physically and mentally. Then a bunch of stuff happened and my bright, shiny world caved in on me. Over the next 8 years, I gained back all but about 25 pounds of the weight I had lost. The magic was gone.

But the desire to change, the desire to be healthy, the desire to be happy was all smoldering under the surface waiting, just waiting, for the time to be right.

It’s time to find the magic again.

So here we go – Audra’s Advantages to Losing Weight
1) I want to be happy with myself and not be at war with my body. Medical issues and anxiety that stems from these medical issues have not been fun to live with but losing weight should help with the medical issues and the anxiety to a certain extent, because when I feel like I’m in control of my eating and exercising, my anxiety lessens.
2) I HAVE WORTH – and my self-worth increases when I am in control of my eating and exercising on a regular basis. Practicing self-care that helps me lose weight and become more fit is the best way of showing myself that I love and care for myself.
3) I want to have amazing adventures, and I can’t do them comfortably (or at all) at this weight. I want to travel the world, and that will be far easier if I’m healthy, fit, and capable – and can easily fit into an economy airline seat when needed.
4) I want my outside to mirror how I feel on the inside – like I’m a dancer, triathlete, and a badass in the gym. I crave physical and mental strength, flexibility, and endurance.
5) I want to reduce my risks of heart disease, diabetes, and other weight-related complications. I want OFF my blood pressure medications… and I certainly don’t want to take any others for anything else, and I know I have a slightly elevated A1C!
6) I want to fit back into my little black dress! And my old Zumba pants with the samba ribbons!
7) I want to reduce inflammation, help with my nerve issues, boost my immunity, sleep better, have energy, improve my overall mood, and THRIVE. Plus, when I eat well, I don’t have any issues with acid reflux like I sometimes do when I eat crap or eat close to bedtime.
8) I want to have ample energy, not get winded, and be strong, fit, and healthy. I want to reduce my risk of injury from carrying so much weight – and make recovery easier if I do injure myself.
9) Getting back into regular workouts gives me more energy to do all the things that I both NEED and WANT to do - even though it takes time, it gives me back feelings of power, strength, and joy - and energy makes energy... and an object in motion tends to stay in motion. I need to be in MOTION!
10) I’ll have more confidence again, I won’t feel self-conscious that people are judging me based on my looks, and I’ll make a better first impression on people. It’s sad that looks matter more than our minds and spirits sometimes, but it’s a reality.
11) I’ll be less inhibited about my body and more apt to try new things, like kayaking, stand-up paddle boarding, zip lining, repelling, and maybe even sky diving with Becky! And I’ll be comfortable riding roller coasters again – or spending multiple days at Disney without being crippled by being on my feet and walking non-stop.
12) I want to strengthen my “resistance” muscle. I can make sure that treats and special occasions fit into my eating plan. But I don’t need to eat when I’m not hungry.
13) I don’t want to be afraid of things. I have so much self-doubt and lack the confidence I had when I was at a healthy weight. I want to reclaim that feeling and love my life.
14) I sometimes eat because I’m emotional, sleepy, or bored. Those aren’t good reasons to eat. And if I eat when I’m upset, I now have the original problem, plus I’m feeling bad for eating when I didn’t need to. And eating to stay awake?!? I just need to go to bed! I need to lose weight and learn not to sabotage myself.
15) I want to be free from the struggles of being overweight and feel like I’m in balance. I don’t want to overeat and feel bad. I don’t want to crave things that aren’t good for me. I want to be in control, not controlled by food or run by bad choices. I am capable of doing this.
16) I want to stop hiding behind the camera lens and be IN the photos… and when I am in the photo, I want to like what I see.
17) I worked my butt off and earned my NASM Personal Training Certification in May. I need to lose weight, figure myself out, and then help others reach their goals, too. I need to walk-the-talk because I think I am uniquely positioned to support people on the journey to health.
18) I feel like my story is just beginning. I want to live a long, healthy, and joy-filled life. Losing weight and caring for my body every way I can is how to make that happen.

I am so different than I was 8 or 9 years ago… in more ways than there are words to tell about it. But the best parts of me are ready to shine again. And the fortitude I’ve gained from surviving it all will carry me through. Thank you to all my Spark Friends who have supported me along the way. I couldn’t do this without you!

August 2009 - At what I now believe is my lowest maintainable weight.

I would love to be this weight again.

Recording the History - My Day Volunteering at Ironman Lake Tahoe 2013

Sunday, January 04, 2015
I wrote this as a team post months ago, and someone happened to just read it today and comment on it, and I decided to post the story here, to keep it close.

For those who don't know what an Ironman race is, it's a 1 day (17 hour) event where participants swim 2.4 miles, ride 112 miles, and then run 26.2 miles. If you see any of those 140.6 bumper stickers anywhere and wonder what they mean, it's that someone inside earned the right to call themselves an Ironman. (To be fair, there are 140.6 mile races that are not sanctioned by Ironman, but IM is the name most people know and they hold races all over the world, including the annual World Championships in Kona, HI.)

This is my story as a volunteer for the 1st Ironman Lake Tahoe, CA in Sept of 2013. It was written the day of the 2014 IMLT, which was cancelled at swim start, moments before the race was to begin because of the poor air quality from the King Fire. A whole other layer of tragedy from this awful fire. My heart was just breaking for all these athletes. Over 3000 triathletes, primed and ready to go. Over 4000 volunteers, ready to go. Thousands of spectators, ready to cheer. Full communities ready to support this event. Intellectually, we all knew this was the right decision - but it didn't make it any easier to think about at the time. I know how hard I trained to do 20% of that distance... it's hard to wrap around. I was ready to go and work the afternoon and evening shift at run station 8.

In the story I'm going to post below, please excuse all the grammar errors... I wrote it like I was speaking it... so there are lots of incomplete sentences. But I hope even my former English teachers would forgive that for the feeling of the story The good news, is that many others have gone on to write IM history for themselves at other events, or are planning for next year's race. --Audra

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IMLT 2013 was the best day of the year for me... I always promised Kal the story why so long ago... so here goes...

I went up Saturday afternoon with my friend Maggie. We made the volunteers meeting and went to the Expo. We then checked into our hotel and went for a quick late afternoon run in the rain - yes - snow fell later that night! It was freezing! We had dinner with the rest of the Tri Club volunteers that night at Squaw. We stopped by the store to get some food for the morning and next day and retired early. We had a 3:30 wake up call. We were out the door at 4:45 - after defrosting the car windows, which were frosted over. It was 29 degrees when we hit the road to Squaw Valley. We parked the car and made out way to the busses to head out to swim start at Kings Beach. Neither of us had been to an IM event before, so we wanted to experience it all. So we stood on the beach, cheering, as athletes rolled through the starting arch into the deep blue waters, which were far warmer than the outside temps! We weren't really able to pick out any team members... unfortunately, it was just a sea of black wetsuits coming out of the water and up the transition ramp. We stayed until the last person made it out of the water, then got back on a bus towards Squaw.

Unfortunately, there were soooooooo many cars and busses trying to do the same thing. We were so worried we weren't going to get back to Squaw for our volunteer shift, which started at noon. Fortunately, our bus driver was on the radio with others, and found us a way around some of the traffic, and we made some progress. Along the way, we got to see athletes on the bike course, climbing some crazy hills (Brockway Summit). Our bus driver dropped us off as close as she could to the intersection of 89 and Squaw Valley where we were going to be working. We jumped off, bought some extra bottled water at the nearby 7-11 (since we weren't able to get back to the car as we had planned) and got to work – 20 minutes early even! This intersection was the first ever IM "clothing drop" - because it was so cold in the morning, many of the athletes were wearing multiple layers of gear. As athletes would come down the gentle hill towards us, they could stop and shed layers. We would help steady the bike, peel off arm warmers, leg warmers, jackets, help repack gels into uncovered pockets, add sunscreen, take gloves... absolutely ANYTHING they needed. For that brief few minutes, we were getting to assist them on the most important journey. We gave them encouragement, support, shared in the joy, buoyed spirits, promised to take excellent care of what they were handing over. I had one lady hand me her finishers jacket from another event... and she was so worried about it. I told her I was tape up her pockets, label her gloves, and her jacket and she would have it all waiting for her at the end of the day. She said "okay" because she saw that "I would take good care of it." Had athletes get off the bikes, lay down, and say "pull" to get off leg warmers and shoe covers. Had people toss items at us, yelling bib numbers as they road by. It was chaos, but so well organized. We ran up and down the line, tagging items and putting them into piles based on the bib numbers. We ran water and food to each other. We shared information on people we knew who were out on course. We had a medical emergency with one athlete and had an ambulance call. Some very worried moments before they got his blood sugars up and he finally continued on his way. As people were finishing their second loop and heading back to T2 (transition), we moved from the side of the road to the middle of the road, yelling at people to SLOW DOWN, SHARP LEFT and waiving our arms. Some would be so intense it would sometimes take all 6 or 7 of us to get them snapped out of it. Some would sit up and realize they were so close and thank us and we’d all cheer as they would ride by. Some looked happy, some looked weary, some looked determined. It was such a range of emotions… the next day, my arms were sore from waving them up and down on this line – no joke! And then came 2:30. At 2:30, our intersection became a cut-off point.

Just a note about the intersection, this is the entrance to Squaw Valley, site of the 1960 Winter Olympics. The Olympic rings, signage, and flame burn there. It’s a site to see. One that always makes me well up a little bit with pride in our athletes, our country, the spirit of the Games. So to be standing there, and witnessing the greatest sporting event I had ever seen, was overwhelming anyway. But add now the emotion of telling athletes, that their dream of finishing Ironman today was over… it was gut wrenching. We had to tell them to “slow down,” that they would be stopping at the lights. One guy had been standing, just past the clothing drop areas, for a very long time. Finally a woman in a grey jacket came riding in towards us, and I said, “slow down” and she said, “I know. I know I’m over time.” And she rode right into the arms of the gentleman waiting. He threw his arms around her and held her, bike and all. And I bawled. There was a guy who tossed a rain jacket at us as he screamed by on his bike, only to be stopped at the intersection. He came back for that jacket, devastated by missing the cutoff by a minute. Angry, apologetic, sad… and all we could do was hand his jacket back over and say how sorry we were. But words, in that moment, just not enough. I finally walked down to the intersection and told the lady in the grey jacket how sorry I was. And she said it was okay, that she had given it her best, but the course and the cold was just too much on that day. And she ended up comforting me.

We eventually bundled all the gear into bags and loaded it all onto a truck, tagging each bag clearly so that it could all be returned to the athletes at the end of the day. Once our shift was over, we hitched a ride back to Squaw Valley. Finally back at the car, we had a chance to regroup, and we headed onto the run course to the EPIC Tri tent. The run course was a two loop out and back. The tents for clubs that had a large group of volunteers were on course around mile 1 on the way out, mile 25 on the way back in for the final time. So we got to see people pass sometimes coming in finishing the first loop, heading back out for the second loop, and heading back in with the finish line cheers calling to them, just a mile away. I rang a cowbell until I could hardly hold it anymore. I yelled encouragement until I started to lose my voice. We clapped, cheered, celebrated as each people passed. Sometimes catching names on bibs, sometimes calling out teams or clubs on gear, anything to help them keep putting one foot in front of the other.

And then came Tony… one of our club members. He was having the DAY of his life. He was filled with joy. As he came by us at the end of his first loop, he ran past us jumping for joy, sort of springing along sideways, cheering for us, cheering for him. On his way back out, he stopped and hugged us all along the fence. Completely relishing in every moment. I will forever hold that image of him in my mind. When he came back in, with just a mile to go, one of the coaches took off running along with him towards the finish line. Screaming, cheering, celebrating. Tony was an Ironman that day. Strong physically, but more so mentally. I will forever carry that sense of Tony's joy with me, on every course or event I do. And I will draw upon his strength that day, to get me through.

We stayed until 11 – just an hour to cutoff. We were taking another club member home with us, and we had to work Monday, and had a two hour drive ahead of us. And it was freezing. It was 35 when we got back to the car. And while Maggie and I had some extra insulation (side effect of carrying a few extra pounds), Mark, a multiple IM finisher himself, who was going back with us, did not… I almost thought we were going to need to huddle with him or get him a silver blanket to get him warmed up. As we left Squaw, we could see all the headlamps bobbing along the trail, or runners still on course. It was another image that will always stay with me. The light of people so close to finishing. They were going to make it. It was early enough that they could have walked the last 2 miles or so and realized a dream. But we knew there were probably others, others we had seen struggling on the way out on the second loop who would not. And in the cruel sport that’s Ironman… that midnight cut-off is just that… a cut-off in the dark. We sent out our best wishes to all those headlamps bobbing past in the dark.

The day was super emotional for me. I honestly had a really hard time for about a month afterwards. My work, in accounting, seemed so insignificant to what I had done that day. It was about supporting someone, being the most important person in that moment to help them succeed. It was a job with a real purpose. Not finding some penny in an account in the wrong place. It was about doing the impossible. Reaching for dreams. Finding joy. Seeing sorrow. Being part of something that was so incredible, so breathtaking in magnitude, a staggering achievement. Witnessing triumphs, determination, the best of the human spirit. I had never seen or felt something quite like it.

So when I think about today’s event being canceled, I think of all those stories that aren’t being written. There should be headlamps out on course right now, bobbing in the dark, making their way, in the last hour, to the finish line, where “YOU ARE AN IRONMAN” would be said countless number of times. Where finishers would be wrapped in a silver blanket, given water, food, and that all so meaningful finishers medal to celebrate 140.6 hard earned miles. It’s another tragic side-effect of this horrific fire.

I had someone ask me, “wasn’t it gross touching all those people and all the sweaty clothing?” And I kid you not, but until I was asked that question, I seriously hadn’t given it ANY thought. We had a job to do. We had to be the support for someone who was following a dream. There wasn’t anything gross about it. It was an honor. An absolute honor. I would challenge anyone who hasn’t been to an IM event to find one. Spectate. Or better yet, volunteer, too. It’s a selfless thing to do. It’s inspiring. It’s incredible. It’s memorable. I’m writing about something that happened a year ago, and in my memory, I can see it all. I can feel it. That energy. I’ve been in crowds of thousands of people before. But this was different. It had a life, a pulse, a connecting thread that brought every single person out there together. I won’t ever forget it. And that's why it was the best day of 2013 - and one of the best days of my entire life.

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A follow-up comment to my original post:

I was shocked at all the different volunteer positions at IMLT. I had already heard that there were scuba divers in the water watching the swimmers from below, and that there were wetsuit strippers... but there were even people who put sunscreen onto the athletes' faces before they headed out onto the bike course. People giving out special needs bags, people just doing crowd control, people just picking up garbage... The people at the finish line wrapping the athletes in blankets, getting them water and aid, giving them medals, and making sure they're medically okay. So much goes into it... and I'm sure I still haven't seen half of it.

I'm glad that you enjoyed my story. It was the perfect day to finally write and reflect on it. And it's definitely heartbreaking that so many stories weren't written this year - but hopefully it's just a lot of dreams deferred. Of the 4 first timers I know who were racing IMLT this year - one is locked into next year's race. One has transferred to IM Arizona in Nov, one to Cozumel in Nov, and one has transferred to IM Coeur d'Alene (ID) next Spring. (FOLLOW-UP - the November races in AZ and Cozumel went well - all club members doing those races reached their respective finish lines and had amazing stories to tell of the day they became Ironman finishers.)

And yes, I think every volunteer out there is just as invested in the athlete as the athlete is - especially at such an event... truly, if you ever get to go, you must. It's really something to experience. You can find races near you on Ironman.com.

01/12/2013 - SparkLife... the early years

AS SPARKPEOPLE IS CLOSING, I'M MOVING MY BLOGS HERE TO RETAIN THE HISTORY.

This blog is the introduction text that was on my SparkPage. I decided it was time for a change, but don't want to lose this part of my journey, so I'm posting it here.

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Welcome to my SparkPage. When I started out on this journey, I began posting a weekly status update on my SparkPage. These weekly updates helped me to reflect on my adventure and the many ups and few downs I was experiencing. I've saved my blog for major moments and when I had A LOT to write. I hope you enjoy reading my story and that you always remember that YOU CAN DO IT no matter how impossible it may sometimes seem.

Spread the Spark and BELIEVE in yourself.

I'm stealing this quote from another Sparker because I really, really like it and wanted to share it with everyone who visits my page:

I AM DONE WITH THE PAST.
I AM CELEBRATING NOW.


02/10/08 - Hello... I think I've finally reached my breaking point... which is a good thing. It means I'm finally ready to do somthing about all this extra weight I've been carrying my entire life. I've got to get healthy... because the alternative seems to be eating myself to death.

02/22/08 - I am so glad to have found SparkPeople. This is just an awesome site - and I'm so inspired by everyone I've met on here. I have so many hopes and dreams that I now actually think could become reality... it's a major change in my head and heart.

03/02/08 - I'm down 10 pounds! I'm so close to breaking the 300 barrier - I can't wait! I had energy today - to get the dogs all bathed (major chore), to take a walk with Cooper, to do chores and laundry, and even to get some minutes in on the bike! What a difference a few weeks makes!

03/09/08 - I broke the 300 barrier going down! Whooo hoooo! That was so amazing and unexpected this week, that I weighed myself like 10 times on two different scales to make sure it was right! Eating better, being more active, who knew it could be so fun!?!?

03/23/08 - So this past week I survived my first holiday, my first sporting event (I smuggled in Kashi and an apple for "dinner!"), and my first craving-day-from-hell! And in doing all that, I didn't go over my calorie limit on any day, and I got in at least 20 minutes of cardio every day!

03/25/08 - I had a personal moment today... I put on a shirt that I hadn't worn in a few months... and I saw myself in the mirror and realized that I have already changed some - the shirt definately fit me much better than it used to fit. I hadn't personally seen the difference in my body yet, so this was a major moment.

04/05/08 - As of today, I have lost a total of 25 pounds! I can't believe how far I've come in just under two months. Between the Trackers and Spark Teams, I feel like I have the tools and support to actually do this - to keep going and to reach my goals. It's such an amazing feeling!

04/12/08 - I survived my first road trip (6 hours in the car) and my first wedding and reception! Started off with a good breakfast that was high in proten and fiber, brought healthy snacks along for the ride - and tons of water! - and stuck with chicken and veggies at the reception! This is doable!!! I worried for nothing!

04/19/08 - WHOOO HOOOO! I have reached my first 10% mini-goal! I am down 32 pounds since starting SparkPeople. This week has been really hard since I have been sick and not able to exercise, but I was really careful about what I ate and got lots of water, and that worked! I can't wait to get back on track next week with exercise!

04/27/08 - So I was wearing a tank top today around the house because it was so warm out... and I happened to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror - and I noticed that I'm getting some upper arm muscles!!! Just a little bit of tricep and shoulder definition! It's not much, but it's proof that what I'm doing is working! Yay!

05/04/08 - So I love numbers... and I was doing my math... and I realized that I've lost 20% of the total amount of weight that I want to lose! 20% and I'm not quite 3 months in! That just amazes me! I also worked on "project: wash dogs" today, and that was so much easier than last time - less of me meant it was easier being in the shower working on them! Yay!

05/10/08 - Today is my 3 month Anniversary with Sparks! I'm very happy to report that in 3 months, I have lost 40 pounds! That just amazes me... but more important than that, I've gained energy and a more positive outlook on life... and equally important as that, I've gained many great friends who support and encourage me on this journey!

05/17/08 - I'm struggling with the 100+ degree temps that have hit Northern California, but I'm NOT giving up and I'm NOT worrying about what I can't control. I read this quote and it's perfect for the way I'm feeling today, "The present is what slips by us while we're pondering the past and worrying about the future (Ziggy)." I'm going to make good choices for today and the future will be bright!

05/24/08 - So I found this dress in the back of my closet today - it was a 3x, so I thought it might fit - and it basically does! It's a little clingy yet in the hips and butt, and I'll need to wear a bra that lifts in the right places to make my waist more attractive, but it's doable! I have no doubt that by the time summer comes around I'll be able to wear it! Whooo hoooo!!!

05/31/08 - So I tried on a pair of jeans today (that had an elastic waistband) that I had gotten last fall but hadn't been wearing since they were too tight... and guess what - they're not tight anymore! I can't wait to get into a real pair of jeans again - you know, ones with a button and zipper!

06/07/08 - Today I got to get "dressed up" to go to the theater. I tried on another shirt that I'd had that barely fit and I can totally rock it now! I'm finally seeing some progress with my body and that's so nice!

6/14/08 - This week marks my 4 month anniversary with Spark People. I'm very happy to report that I've lost over 50 pounds and that my BMI has dropped 9 points. This has been such an amazing journey, and I'm so grateful to those fellow Sparkers that have been with me every step of the way.

06/21/08 - I don't know how this happened... but I managed to have a good week with the scale, despite having a couple of near out of control food days (where I was at the upper end of my range) and wasn't exercising because of a sore knee... regardless, this has renewed my optimism and faith that I'm going to be able to do this... and I'm totally ready to get back into the exercise groove and really kick this fat to the curb! PS: Getting 7-8 hours of sleep every night really helps... if I can keep that up... who knows how far I can go!

06/22/08 - I woke up this morning to find an e-mail from SparkPeople saying that I've been selected by my peers as a SparkPeople Motivator. I can't begin to say how much this means to me. For everyone who nominated me, I thank you. I am so blessed to be a part of this awesome community.

06/29/08 - So I had an awesome week with food and exercise - probably one of my best weeks in the entire time that I've been Sparking... but I only dropped a pound this week. It was not what I was expecting - I just knew I was going to see two or three pounds this week... but the body doesn't always do what you'd expect. So what does this mean for me? It means I continue working hard and put in another good week! It doesn't mean that I give up or give in to temptations, or that I let the disappointment get me down. It does mean that I look forward to seeing what the scale will show me next week - after another 7 days of working hard! Never give up!

07/05/08 - I survived an overnight trip away from home with flying colors! I hadn't had any type of "mini-vacation-fun" since last September, so this trip really was just what I needed! Although I was a little concerned about what I'd be eating on this trip, I shouldn't have been! Pre-trip planning, bringing healthy snacks, and making good food choices when we ate dinner out ended up being super easy. It was actually eye-opening on how much I've learned since joining SparkPeople... and how easy it was to "be good" on the road!

07/12/08 - With today's weigh-in, I reached my second 10% goal. I may have "just" lost one pound this week, but it was a very important pound to me! I feel really good about the progress that I'm making. I went shopping this weekend and got a few new pairs of capris to get me through the summer. Last summer, I was fitting into 26/28. This summer, I am fitting into 22/24, and I even fit into one "stretchy" pair of 18/20s!!!

07/19/08 - Today's weigh-in takes me to 250. Somehow it seems like I should celebrate this number like a milestone... but all I can focus on right now is getting into the 240s! I had a good week with food and exercise and I know I'm getting stronger and that feels great. (Thank you, Marlena for starting us on Bootcamp!) I really want to thank my SparkFriends and great SparkTeams that have helped me every day to make it this far. You all help keep my focus forward!

07/26/08 - I made it to 248! Yay! Am very happy with that. However, I've had a rough day today - I've been going non-stop for a few weeks and my stress-level is code orange, at least! I need to find a way to relax and destress, because I know this isn't good for me! But no matter how crazy my life gets, I'm still taking care of myself and will keep up with my exercise and water and eat within my ranges. I owe that to myself - and I can't do anything else if I'm not taking care of me, first.

08/02/08 - So I had a really stressful workweek, ending with me putting in over 12 hours on Friday! But I came home, and I ate a good dinner and I got in 30 minutes on my exercise bike... which capped off a week of eating well and getting in my exercise, despite the long hours. I was rewarded with a 4 pound loss this morning! This week has taught me that I can focus on my health, even when my focus is needed elsewhere, too.

08/09/08 - Tomorrow will be my six month Sparkversary - and I'm coming into that date 69 pounds down and still going strong. I've certainly had my challenges, and it hasn't been "easy" by any means... but I'm still working at making healthy decisions each and every day. And that's what counts!

08/16/08 - Down two pounds today for a total of 71 pounds lost! I'm getting close to my previous low - before I gained the weight back. This time, there's no going back. I'm going to reach that low again, and then keep reaching for new lows. I've come too far and worked too hard to give up on myself now.

08/23/08 - Good-bye 240s! I had a high-stress, low-sleep, bad-sodium week... but I kept my food in the low-middle part of my range, and got 30 minutes of cardio and 10 minutes of strength training in each day this week (except for today, which I used as a well-deserved rest day), and it paid off! Now... to get my stress, sleep and sodium under control!

08/30/08 - I've reached another milestone on this journey - 75 pounds gone - for good! Still working on the three S's - stress, sleep, and sodium! I think that will be a battle I fight for a long time. But I'm still headed in the right direction and excited for the future.

09/07/08 - I've spent the last few days on a mini-vacation, and I managed to eat out twice, still log every bite, and stay within my ranges! What I didn't get done was any formal exercise... there just wasn't any down-time to fit it in, but I was active and did a lot of walking... and I had a great trip!

09/13/08 - I weighed in this morning at 233!!! I didn't weigh in last week since I was on the road, so I was hoping for a three pound drop for 2 weeks and I got 4! I'm soooo happy with that!!! Now I've got 99 pounds to go!!! WHOOO HOOOO! Can you tell that I'm excited by that? I certainly didn't think 7 months ago, that my life would have changed so much in such a short amount of time. I love Spark People and all my Spark Friends!

09/20/08 - My BMI has now dropped 14 points to 39.7 (under 40 yay!) since starting SparkPeople. I am so happy to have that number coming down. It's proof that my body is getting healtier. I have gone shopping in my closet this weekend and tried on just about everything that I own! I have a big pile of clothes that's now too big for me. It's amazing to me how much my body has changed since February. Things that didn't fit me then because they were too small are now too big!

09/27/08 - Today I'm celebrating making it into the 220s and reaching my 3rd 10% mini-goal - a week earlier than I thought I would! I was able to keep my sodium under 2000mg for the past four days, and I think that really helped. I had a rough-week exercise-wise, but I did manage to stay pretty active, and it was enough!

10/04/08 - I maintained with my weigh-in today, which is quite frustrating for me. Doing the numbers, I should have burned enough calories to lose at least a pound and a half. However, I'm not throwing in the towel, and I'm going to continue working hard this coming week. As a number of people have reminded me, your body doesn't always do what you expect it to on this journey.

10/11/08 - The scale moved for me again today! I'm so glad that I'm not stuck on a plateau! I was a little worried that I would be - but hard work paid off again! I went shopping with my mom and got a couple of pair of work pants in 18/20s! So exciting! I was in a 4x summer of 2007! I've come a long way in the past 8 months. Thank you to all my SparkFriends for being there for me along the way!

10/18/08 - Despite dealing with a mildly sore back all week and a sore knee that kept me sidelined one day this week... I got the pound I wanted that got me to halfway... and I got another pound that brings me to 90 pounds lost! I'm totally doing a happy dance! This has been such an amazing journey so far. I love SparkPeople!

11/01/08 - I know I skipped a week here... but that's because I wasn't home for my usual Saturday weigh-in. I was down a pound before leaving on a trip, so I'm getting back to normal today. I was hoping for a 3 pound loss to give me 4 pounds over the two weeks - and I got it! I was so happy that I was able to stay on track these past two weeks. I was out of town for four days and sick this past week... so my food and exercise hasn't been quite what it usually is... but I managed to do enough! I was so proud of myself while on the road! We (my dad and I) only ate out twice and brought most of our food with us so that we knew what we were getting! I even spent some time riding the bike in the hotel's little exercise room! Big change from prior years when I would have spent down time napping! I took one day off from cardio this past week because I was having troubles breathing and I was MAD! A year ago, you couldn't have paid me to exercise... and now I'm mad when I can't get in a workout! How things change when you give it your all...

11/08/08 - So despite having a "bad" week for me with inconsistent exercise and too-high-sodium most days... I managed to still lose 2 pounds. I'll take it! It seems surreal that I'm closing in on the 100 pounds lost mark... but I hope to be there by the end of the month.

11/15/08 - So I had a surprising weigh-in this week... checked it 3 times because I couldn't believe it! I lost 3 pounds! Since I didn't think that I'd personally had a very good week, this really made me happy! 99 down!

11/22/08 - Well, I did it! 102 pounds lost! I crossed over that century mark! It was such an amazing feeling seeing 210 come up on the scale. I've come so far this year by making my health my #1 priority. The help and support of my Spark Friends and my Challenge Teams (Hawks, Crushers, Butterflies) has kept me moving forward. Thank you all for believing in me!!!

Other stats: My BMI has dropped 17.6 points. I've lost 8" around my waist, 11 inches around my hips, 1" around my neck, 1.5" around my arm, and 2" around my thigh from when I started taking my measurements in March.

11/29/08 - Down 1 pound this week... Thanksgiving didn't do me in... but lack of sleep and too much sodium this week almost did! Since my stress level will ramp up at work next week during close, I've GOT to get those other "S" words under control!

12/06/08 - Despite my insane week at work, a bad week of sleep (where stress kept me up when I needed to be down), and falling apart Thurs/Fri when I didn't even exercise... I managed to drop 2 pounds this week. That seems as insane to me as my work week was... but I'll take it! Here's to sleep and a less stressful week ahead!

12/13/08 - I reached my fourth 10% mini-goal today with a 2 pound loss this week. I am so happy with that... can't believe how far I've come in 10 months. Today I was on the go from 9:30am until 8pm - with about 3 hours of sitting total during that time. No way could I have done that 10 months ago. Sure, my legs and back are a little sore tonight - but it's nothing a good night's sleep won't cure! Thank you Spark People and all my friends!

12/20/08 - So I guess being stressed out and cold agrees with me - I dropped 3 pounds this week! That makes Onederland only 3 days away with one weigh-in left for 2008! I'm going to give it my best shot this week to drop 3 more pounds! It would be wonderful to start 2009 in Onederland!

12/27/08 - I did it! I made it to Onederland in 2008! Something I didn't believe was possible, WAS possible!!! If nothing else, I've learned to believe in myself on this journey. I stepped on the scale today and cried tears of joy. I am 100% ready to face 2009 and the challenges, opportunities and experiences the new year will bring! Thank you all for your support along the way!

01/03/09 - After a rough (read bad) week for me with exercise, food, sleep, sickness... I maintained... I had thought I'd done enough to lose a pound... but today's weigh-in is a good reminder to me that it's not just about counting calories... you've got to be LIVING healthy and taking care of yourself. So back to the bike and bootcamp for me! I want to get further away from 200! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

01/10/09 - Despite another high-stress, not quite-enough-sleep week, I kept up with my cardio and strength training goals all week and was rewarded with a 2 pound loss today! Further away from 200! YAY!

01/17/09 - I lost 3 pounds this week... And although this seems counter productive... I need to find a way to slow down my loss a little bit... I want to give my skin some time to shrink, so I don't want to see 3 pound losses on the scale anymore! I'll be happy with 2 until I get to from obese to overweight... then I'd like to slow down a little more! Don't get me wrong, I'm HAPPY to be blasting this fat off my body because every pound that leaves is another step forward to being healthy... but I'd like to find a slightly better balance! So I think I'm going to adjust my goals a little bit - again!

02/07/09 - So I know I missed a couple of weeks here... busy the first weekend, depressed and about to fall off the wagon the second... and now I'm back! I did not fall off the wagon... although I came close! My SparkFriends pulled me back to reality... and I'm feeling "myself" again this weekend! Still working hard and going strong! Took a new set of photos this weekend. Amazing that I've gone from a 3x/4x to XL/1x in just under a year!

02/14/09 - I had a great week with the scale. Made it to 187 - which means that I've lost 125 pounds in a year. My Sparkversary is 02/16 - and I'm so grateful for the journey that's brought me to this place. I'm going to be posting a blog about my adventure over the past year. Thank you all for your support.

02/22/09 - So I'm posting a day late... had a rough week Sparking, which is unlike me. My teams have been so good to me as I've been pretty MIA. I'm working hard to get refocused for the week ahead! Onward, March!

03/05/09 - Oooh! I forgot to post last Saturday. I managed to get refocused last week with food and exercise but got soooo little sleep. I am always amazed at how much sleep affects weight loss, as I managed to just maintain. Sunday had a touch of the "blue funk" again but am having a good and CRAZY-BUSY week! I just want to thank EVERYONE who left me comments, blog comments, and goodies to celebrate my Sparkversary and motivator-of-the-day status! It was amazing and overwhelming and I wish I could respond to everyone personally, but I think I'd need to take an entire day off work to do it! I love SparkPeople! Thank you all!

03/07/09 - Today was a great day. I weighed in at 184, which means I met my 5th 10% mini-goal. I also broke through a major emotional hurdle and had my first ever gym session with a trainer. It didn't seem that I was doing too much until I stopped moving... and then my legs got so jelly-like when I went to leave that I wasn't sure I was going to make it to the car without falling down! Amazing how much tougher the moves are when you're really focusing, slowing down, and doing things with proper form! Frankly, I can't wait to be "tortured" again next week!

03/14/09 - Had about 50 minutes of torture today at the gym - and I loved all but about 5 minutes of it! Today was a great day because I worked up a sweat doing strength training... whew! Topped that off with 7 minutes on the rowing machine - which wasn't too bad! My legs finally felt like my own on Friday... I'm hoping that this session won't take quite so long to recover from!

03/21/09 - Jillian and Bob have nothing on Kurt... Today at the gym, Kurt got me to do stuff that I originally thought I couldn't do... you spend so long fat and demoralized, that it's hard to push past that to see that you really CAN do so much more than you realize... more than ever, it drives home to me that this weight-loss journey is at least 50% mental. So take it from me - YOU CAN DO IT!

04/04/09 - Sleep is sooooo important... I've had two weeks now without enough sleep and that causes a lack of motivation and cravings likes crazy... I'm working HARD to get my sleep back on track - because that will get my food and exercise back on track! On a happy note, the PT is helping my back feel better and Kurt kicked my butt again today at the gym, and it was sooo nice out that I even took Cooper for a walk in the late afternoon. I also weighed in today at 179. I am 5 pounds away from being overweight! I can't wait for that day to come!

04/11/09 - Did better with sleep and food this week, and made it to the gym for two kick-butt classes. Now to get my cardio ramped up again - still slacking there a little - but it was my rough week at work. Now 4 pounds away from being overweight! Got my hair cut today for the first time in about a year and a half and I love it! Feels great and she showed me how to play up my curls! Wooo hooooo!!! Have a happy Easter, everyone!

04/27/09 - I know I haven't posted an update lately - there hasn't been much to update. I've stalled out the last two weeks and have been maintaining - even though I've been doing well with food and exercise. I'm hoping that my engine turns over soon and I get back to being a loser!

05/03/09 - I am back to being a loser! Amping up my exercise last week and being really careful about my food again earned me a two pound loss! And the best thing about it - I ate a little better, cut a little junk that was creeping into my day, and FELT BETTER despite a crazy week with PT and work. Now to keep that momentum rolling!

05/09/08 - Down another pound this week! Got up early and had a great session at the gym and then did a lot of walking at a craft fair with my mom. Got a little too much sun but it was a great day. Just need to work hard to make sure I end up overweight with next week's weigh-in!

05/16/09 - So I rolled out of bed at 5am on 4 hours of sleep to begin my adventure to New York! I did weigh-in and was THRILLED to see that I did lose another pound this week! That means I'm officially in the overweight category with the BMI calculation!!! Had I been more awake, I probably would have bounced around the bathroom so much that I would have lost another pound celebrating! What a way to start a vacation! I'm now in New York, typing at the dining room table of a dear Spark Friend while waiting for my luggage to arrive... I made my connecting flight in Philly but it did not! So hopefully it gets here soon and I can crash - it's early Cali time, but not so early NY time and it was a long travel day! Thank you to all my Spark Friends who are celebrating this milestone with me!

05/30/09 - So... these past two weeks have been amazing... 2 days of travel, 8 days of blissful fun celebrating "Spring in the Northeast" with fellow Sparker Jeanne... 10 days of being mostly away from Sparks and off my usual routine... and yet I survived it weighing in 2 pounds DOWN this morning! Now, the one bad thing that happened is that I fell getting out of the tub at the hotel last weekend and hit my head HARD on the toilet (not a graceful moment) and I still have a little bump on my head and 1.5 black eyes. NOT very pretty - but it could have been a LOT worse. I made it back to the gym today (YAY) and Kurt kept me OFF the BOSU and on solid ground today when I did admit I was occassionally getting little "waves" of lightheadedness yet... but each day that's getting less and less. I hope to be back to "normal" by next weekend to take another set of photos for here. What I leared on vacation is that I can "live" and eat out and still make sure I get greens and protein and not go "hog-wild" and still enjoy living! It was a wonderful experience... now to finish getting my feet underneath me again and to get unpacked already!

06/06/09 - I ended up down two pounds this week, after having a not so great food or exercise week by my usual standards... the only thing that changed about my routine this week - sleep. I got more of it. So I'm going to continue working hard to get at least 7 hours of sleep a night.

07/18/09 - Well, it's been a little while since I've posted a weekly update... but it's pretty much been status quo lately, and no news is good news! Since I posted last, I've tried Zumba - tons of fun, even if I can't shake anything on my body independently of anything elsel! And I've bought a swimsuit and goggles, so I'm running out of excuses now to get back into a pool (other than I hate my inner thighs)! Still losing about 1/2 to 1 pound per week. And still working hard with my strength training to get toned. And still struggling with getting enough sleep!

08/02/09 - Yesterday I weighed in at 165. I read in one of my magazines that 165 is the weight of the average woman! So I'm celebrating being average this week! Next week, I hope to be below average! Today was another celebration of self - I went to a pool party at a swim club for one of my friend's kids - AND I went swimming! Yes, I busted out that new suit that's been in my closet with the tags on it for a month as I tried to work up my courage to wear it in public. What I learned today is that no one's really paying any attention to what you look like in your suit... that the kids think it's great that you'll swim and play with them... and I have remembered how much I LOVE the water! I definitely will be headed to the pool at the gym soon. It felt sooooo great to slice through the water and get my shoulders pulling me forward. So take my advise, get out there and DO IT!

08/15/09 - So last weekend, I went down to the Bay Area. I ate well, got in a little activity... then I got home and fell apart on Monday. Worst food day I've had in 18 months. Probably at 3000-3500 calories. More than TWICE what I usually eat in a day... but I got back on the wagon Tuesday. Got active - at least 45 minutes of exercise each day and got food back into ranges - even did well with sodium! Was crossing everything when I got on the scale today - was really scared that Monday was going to derail me - but it didn't! I was down half a pound! I'm glad that I fell off the wagon and got back on - now I know I can do that! I also had another moment this morning... I realized that I'm HAPPY. My life has changed so much for the better. Life is good.

08/22/09 - Took a set of "2 month" photos today... a couple of weeks late, but better late than never, right? I like my booty! Who knew? Had a good week except for sleep... someday, I'll manage that, too! Becky freaked me out with a comment today - I'm less than 30 pounds to my set goal! I don't really know what "goal" will be - but I'm still thinking that's reasonable... since I weigh less now than I did in middle school, I don't know what my healthy weight will really be! But I can't wait to find out! Life is still good, by the way!

08/30/09 - Had a stellar week (except for sleep) and was rewarded with a 2.5 pound loss! All these past weeks of struggle paid off! I'm now down 151 pounds! I've survived Week 1 of the Couch to 5K program and I have a road bike on order. And I made it through my toughest training session with Kurt yet - and I'm still standing! Sore, but standing! Now if I can manage sleep and keep my stress under control this coming week, I'll be super happy!

09/06/09 - Down 1 more pound, got my new road bike, bought jeans in size 14 and got a full night's sleep going into today! Does it get any better than that?

09/19/09 - Well it's official... I'm posting my first gain since Feb'08. I weighed in this morning at 161.5. I wish I could blame it on bloat or TOM... but this is the result of 5 days out of 14 where I wasn't in range by 500-700 calories... and 5 days out of 14 where I wasn't doing any heart-pumping exercise. All my fault for not doing what I needed to be doing. But I was back on track yesterday and today's starting out well... and I'm GOING to see those 150s in the next couple of weeks or die trying! There are definitely different challenges at this end of the ticker... but challenges aren't going to keep me from moving forward to my goal.

09/26/09 - Refocused and rebounded this week in a BIG way! Down to 158! Into the 150s, going strong, and feeling good! Bumped up my intake at breakfast a little and that seemed to help. Also got in about an hour of cardio per day and got about 7 hours of sleep a night. I now weigh less than my drivers license says I do! First time EVER for that!

10/25/09 - This past month has been TOUGH - mostly emotionally. Cooler weather set in, and 3 things from last fall/winter fit... nice problem to have, when your clothes are too big for you, but it really started to mess with my head. All those fears - of going backwards, of not being able to finish what I started, of letting go of the "fat girl" still living inside me... It all just snowballed on me and I started doing little things to sabotage myself - like binging and skipping my at-home cardio plans... but with the support of my Spark friends who helped me put it all in perspective, who allowed me a short pity party and then gave me a good butt kicking, I got back on track! And I reached another goal - of losing half of my body weight - when I weighed in this week. I might be half the person but I'm living twice the life now.

09/08/2012 - I am a Triathlete

AS SPARKPEOPLE IS CLOSING, I'M MOVING MY BLOGS HERE TO RETAIN THE HISTORY.

1/2 mile swim
20 mile bike
4 mile walk

The event did and didn't go as planned. I left my house 5 minutes late, which was no big deal. I ended up being packed pretty much perfectly. I think the only items that weren't used were an extra Clif bar that I thought I might need on the walk and the hairbrush I had left in my gym bag... and well, I should have used it! When I caught myself in the mirror without my cap, my hair was all frizzed out and I looked a mess!

Got parked at the event site about 6:20. Stephani had also just arrived, maybe a minute before me. (Stephani has been my training buddy from the EDH team. David is her significant other. Steph is 51.) We started the process of walking our bikes over to the athlete area. The Tri Club had its own rack. Kitty, another of our training members (who truly is an athlete and has done tris in the past) had just gotten there, too. Amanda and Michele, our coaches, arrived with Aurelia (the fourth member of the training group to stick it out the full 12 weeks) and her daughter who was hanging out and cheerleading for us a few minutes later.

We got our stuff all set-up, checked out the swim area, worked on staying hydrated, got body marked, and then joined in cheering for the Dash Distance events that started an hour before ours. Walking around, I had a toe cramp, so I had a shot blok, had some electrolyte-spiked water, and a banana and was fine. We started to get nervous about 25 minutes to go-time as the full-distance event got queued up in the lake. We went down and got in the water and warmed up just a bit. I made the decision to race as an "Athena" - ie, a fat one! - so that I could start in the last wave with Stephani, who was in the last wave based on age. Aurelia was also in the last wave. They called us to the start line and I went completely calm. All the jitters just totally left my body as we crossed the buoy line. We positioned ourselves to the left side, in the next to last row. We were starting with the thought of "start slow and then go slower" and had no desire to get run over in the water. The announcer is saying that we are allowed to hold onto the kayaks if needed, before continuing on our swim. I see the "light" in Stephani's eyes and I practically yell at her, "You are NOT hanging onto a kayak!!!" Her eyes went big and I said, "I have trained with you and you can do this without kayak support. If you need to take a break, you know you can pop up and take a few breaststroke strokes with your head up or flip over to your back, but you keep moving!" She grins, "Yeah, I got this," and the few people around us chuckle... "Go slow, and then go slower!" Time for the countdown! 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, GO!

I felt really good the first quarter of the swim. I got into a nice rhythm and was really comfortable. Turned the corner to the long length parallel to shore... And then the game changed. Toe cramp in my right foot. Arch of my left foot. My right calf pinging. I simply quit kicking and kept my arm strokes smooth... amazingly, I think I passed another couple people. I turned the corner for home and my right hip started pinging... I'm thinking at this point, how on earth am I going to make it out of the water onto shore??? I keep going, pulling with my arms and trying to hold my lower body in the most comfortable positions. I hear my coaches in my head, swim until you touch bottom with your hands... so I do... and then I pray that my legs hold me. They do, but now that I'm upright, my shins start to cramp - although everything else starts to let up... I hobbled... no other word for it... up the hill to the transition area. A worker pulls the tag from my back. Someone else records my number. I pass Amanda, Michele and David who are cheering and I say I'm cramping. They say stretch, hydrate, take a blok. I keep going. I get to the rack and pop a "margarita" blok and down half a bike bottle of water. I try to stretch... I'm walking around in circles around the fence line, moaning and trying not to burst into tears. 5-6 minutes pass and things are getting a touch better, but my shins and toes are refusing to release. I take another blok. Stephanie shows up. She hugs me, and I tell her to GO! That I'll see her on course. David's now on the outside of the fence cheering me on... calming me down. A few more minutes and Aurelia makes it out of the swim course and takes off. Amanda and Michele are now at the fence with David and I'm getting close to panic mode. Amanda makes me BREATHE. I pretend I'm in final savasana and try to find my happy place. I drink even more and things finally start to return to normal and I begin my transition.

I'm at the "why" stage and Michele says that there's always a hiccup in race day, and this is just mine. I have NOT cramped during 12 weeks of training... I was hydrated. I was taking electrolytes in my water from when we got to the course... Lack of sleep? Too much/too little of something? I don't know... but it happened. I come back to, "well, I said I didn't care if I was last, as long as I finished." Michele says, "You know what they call someone who finishes a triathlon in last place? A TRIATHLETE." I turn on my RunKeeper App on the phone and I'm on my way... I was in T1 soooooo long that all the people who came out of the water after me (and there were quite a few) are now long gone. On the park road out to the main road, I start to pass those finishing their 20 miles. And I became a one-woman cheerleader. I yelled encouragement to everyone I could. "Good job!" "Woo hoo!" "Almost home!" "Finish Strong" "Stay Strong" "You Can Do It" "Keep Pushing" - not sure who I was encouraging more... me or them... but those words kept ringing in my ears the 10 miles back, when there was no one on the other side of the road to cheer me on, other than a few course workers.

My ride actually goes really well. I do NOT get off my bike. I slow up and stretch my arms, back, legs a few times, but I do NOT get off my bike. I coast when I need to. I amp up my power when I can. I don't freak out being on a road with traffic. I keep going. At the 17 mile mark, I'm averaging a low 5 minute per mile pace, which was slightly better than my goal after seeing the course, which had longer (although not too steep) grades than we had trained on. The last 2.5 miles are TOUGH. The first 2 miles on the park road are a constant uphill, part of it, probably the third steepest part of the entire ride. I'm in my lowest gear, and checking for one more. My pace hits 5.8mph on the cat eye. I KEEP GOING. I made it to a half mile to go and things level out. I grab a few more gears and lean into it. Quarter-mile to go and there's David! Cowbell and camera in hand CHEERING for me! He's close enough for Amanda to hear him (she was at the run transition area) and she starts screaming for me! I push it in! Michele comes around to the fence and asks me how I'm doing. Amazingly, I'm slightly breathless, but my shoulders and back and arms have held up remarkably well - far better than the last month of training. I'm thrilled with my bike performance.

I pin on my bib, grab the 4th bike bottle (which still has ice!) that's been chillin' in transition, peel off my gloves, throw them in my helmet, snag my phone off my bike, hug Michele over the ropes and take off as fast as my legs will allow! Switched my phone app from cycle to run, throw it in my jersey pocket. Amanda is cheering for me at the run start. I hug her, too, smile for Dave and his camera, and onward! My legs come in before my breath does. The run course is steeper and hillier than we have trained on as well. It's like a service road, red dust, some small rocks, but fairly smooth and doable. I focus on one foot in front of the other. Like on the bike course, I start cheering those on coming the other way. You can here the announcer at the finish calling people home. "Ten minutes and they're calling your name!" "Half mile to go!" "Finish strong!" I make it to the top of a hill and there's the 1 mile station. Plain water? YES! One to drink, one to dump on my head. OH! My phone's in my jersey! Sports bra, which is under my swimsuit, under my jersey, has absorbed all the liquid. No worries there. I keep on going. Another quarter mile and there's no more people... miles 2 and 3 loop around back to the 1 mile station, so I don't see anyone else until I get to the 2 mile aid station. I thank them for staying there for me! One more cup to drink, one more cup to dump. Now we're transitioning off the service road onto a trail. Easier terrain, closer to the lake, I'm feeling great at this point and my pace picks up. So does my brain... the enormity of it all gets to me and I choke back the tears. Back to the main road, a quarter mile to the aid station. The last worker asks me what I need. I ask if he can refill my bike bottle. It's got about 4 oz left of electrolyte water, but the taste is getting to me and I opt to just take a last blok instead of flavored water. He's awesome and totally hooks me up, with an extra cup to dump on my head, and I barely pause for a few seconds. 1 mile to go! I can here the music and announcer. There are still finishers on course. I'm last, but not by a ton - I figure I have no more than 18 minutes to go. The last hill is TOUGH. For a second, I think about stopping and crying... but I don't! I put my head down and leaned into it. Up and over and I'm oh so close... my pace picks up to a full power walk, I can do this!!!

I make the turn for home, over part of the picnic area into the finishing straight! People are cheering and I'm being announced. Michele's shaking her cowbell for all she's worth! Amanda is standing in front of the finishing area and takes my photo. I crossed and threw my arms around her. Michele comes over, as do Steph, David, Aurelia and Kitty. We have a major group hug. A worker hands me water. Another hangs the medal around my neck. I'm trying not to sob. It was such a moment. I'm so thankful for them all for sticking it out, waiting for me to bring up the rear, and for believing that I could do it!

Michele presses more water into my hands and they say they have food for me at one of the tables. I'm no where near ready to eat... I drink - I probably downed 20 ounces in 10 seconds flat! It tasted soooo good. I walk a little more, cool down, get to the table and stretch some. I'm tired, but other than my feet being a little sore, no major issues. System scan shows all lights green! I manage to eat some fruit and chicken. The pasta and salad made me shudder to look at... so I get the protein and the simple sugars into my system. I have nuts, dried fruit and banana chips in my bag. That all sounded way more appealing. We all sat and talked a little, as the event people started tearing down the tents and things around us. Aurelia, Steph and I are super pleased with our performances. We discover we all had our moments. Aurelia got off course in the swim and had to be guided back into shore by kayak support, who herded her back into line! Steph tipped over in the turnaround on the bike course and bent her derailer a bit - fortunately she wasn't hurt and the bike didn't need repairs... And I can't wait to see what our course times were... had I not lost so much time in T1, I think I would have been really close to finishing with Steph. She was 13 minutes faster on the bike course than I was (according to our Runkeeper stats), but I was faster in the water, and she also walked the last leg.

Anyway, we finally got the bikes loaded up. I peeled out of my swimsuit and bike shorts, pottied, put back on capris for a DRY ride home. We said our goodbyes and final hugs and headed out... I managed to dump together almost a full bike bottle of still chilled water from the ice that was left in my first three bottles. (I had four bike bottles with me in a little cooler, plus one other tumbler of water. That little idea worked out brilliantly, if I do say so myself.) I had my snack baggie. I was ready to roll... phone on charger, navigation on, I'm out... and I'm into the snacks... OMG I have never, ever tasted anything better than those banana chips... I don't know what it is, but I'm slightly obsessed with them at the moment. Have I mentioned that I don't care for bananas or banana chips? I had a handful with dinner, too. OMG, best thing ever. Truly wondering if they'll have the same hold on me tomorrow. Kinda doubt it.

Anyway, got home and told this story to my parents. Then went and took a well-needed shower. I was dusty! Have been hydrating like crazy and had a good dinner. One small little blister on my right toe, feet a little sore, shins and hamstrings telling me that they were WORKED today, cheeks a little pink (should have reapplied sun screen during T2), but other than that, none the worse for the wear - at least as of tonight!

Oh, and I broke the news to my mom that I'm planning on doing the CIM (marathon) relay in December, and that actually went over pretty well! 5.8 mile power walk will be nothin' after what I managed to do today!

So many members of my Spark Family have cheered me on during this whole process, and I thank you ALL! When one goes like gangbusters, then has so many things happen that just compile into a large downward spiral like I did, it can get to be hard to see the light. Doing this triathlon was my way of trying to find my mojo, my self-worth, my determination, my belief in myself. New goals are set and I'm feeling so much better than I have in a long time.

100 pounds overweight? Do a triathlon? Crazy? Maybe. But I'm proof it can be done.

12/30/2011 - Reflections, Perspective, Thanks

AS SPARKPEOPLE IS CLOSING, I'M MOVING MY BLOGS HERE TO RETAIN THE HISTORY.

A note: I am adapting the bulk of this blog from a SparkMail message I sent to the 30somethings with 100+ pounds to lose SparkTeam on 12/31/11.
This is obviously the time of year for reflections and for planning for the coming year... and I want to share a personal story that might affect some of you, too.

For the most part, I've considered 2011 an "epic failure" on my personal journey to good health... I started the year 25 pounds lighter than I'm going to end it... injury, illness, depression, high-stress levels... everything just came together and I melted down some... I think I perfected the art of emotional eating, and even did some destructive eating - you know, when you eat to make yourself feel worse? (Hopefully you DO NOT know what I mean... I don't recommend destructive eating... but I bet a lot of us with 100 pounds to lose have done it a time or two.) I've certainly felt down on myself, like I've failed not only myself, but everyone else on the team who's looking at me as an success - when I was being anything but successful.

All this brings me to my favorite Christmas card this year... it wasn't the card itself, it was the words written on it - from my trainer:
"2011 was a success. You didn't give up! We will continue to work hard in 2012."

He had handed me the card after a tough session that had left me feeling sweaty and accomplished... I opened it and read it as I was walking out to the car, and this total wave of emotions poured over me... I even cried a little, sitting in my car in the parking lot... it was such a different take on the year than I had...

And when I think about it now, he's right. This year wasn't an epic failure... it was tough, and I'm not really going to miss the "trials and tribulations" of 2011... and I'm energized by the thought of turning the page to January 2012 on Sunday... but what I went through in 2011 was part of my personal journey - and I am stronger now. I didn't give up! And that's all the success I need right now.

Looking back, through it all, I continued to do a few things consistently...

1) I drank water! Lots of it.
2) I got myself to the gym as often as I could, mostly to workout with a trainer who was helping me through some of the injuries and rehab.
3) I stayed on SparkPeople. I let this site keep me connected. And even if my ticker was moving in the wrong direction, I was at least here - surrounded by people who were there for me when I needed them.

When I look back at my last blog, I still am not 100% sure what's "broken", but these past few weeks, I've really started to get some of my mojo back and I'm starting to feel "like myself" again. I've had some realizations:

1) I'm going to probably log 10 hours at the gym in these last 10 days of the month - or dang close to it. My body's not 100% happy with the increased workload - but it feels better than when I sit around! And sore muscles make me feel like I'm making progress again!
2) I'm still down just over 90 pounds from my heaviest, and I have set the goal to be back down 100 pounds by my 4 year SparkPeople Anniversary in February.
3) I've joined another gym (taking advantage of a work incentive) and have more options than ever for group-exercise classes, which I really enjoy.
4) I've seen how the lack of exercise drags me down in every area of my life. I've seen how making the time to get in a workout improves every area of my life. I've seen the wisdom in taking a rest day. I'm figuring out how to shift my focus.
5) When I track my food, I stay on track. These past few weeks, my calorie burn has been great - but so has my intake... if I get the food locked in again, the scale will go down.

So if 2011 wasn't your best year, but you're still here, you're still digging... change your perspective if you need to, like my trainer changed mine.

YOU didn't give up either.
YOU will continue to work hard in 2012.
YOU are where you're supposed to be.

THANK YOUR BODY for the amazing things it does for you.

THINK BACK to the past and learn from the experiences you've had.
BE PRESENT in the moment and BE KIND to yourself.
LOOK FORWARD to being the best you can be.

I want to wish everyone a SAFE, HAPPY, WONDERFUL New Year's Celebration.
Cheers!
Audra

06/05/2011 - It’s So Much Better in the Rain

AS SPARKPEOPLE IS CLOSING, I'M MOVING MY BLOGS HERE TO RETAIN THE HISTORY.

It’s been a while… a long while, since I’ve written a blog. So much has happened since the last one. It’s hard to know where to start, other than “It’s so much better in the rain.” I’d say sunshine, but although it’s June, we’ve had more rain than sunshine lately, including today!

At the beginning of 2010, I ended up with two bulging discs in my low back that derailed my training plans for quite some time. I still have to be careful with some things (like carrying too much weight overhead), but I’m otherwise doing okay there. Then in May, I lost my 8 year old lab suddenly, and that took such an emotional toll on me. Then in August, I hurt my left knee… not bad enough to need surgery, but bad enough that I spent a lot of time babying it and taking time off… Then in January 2011, I ended up having emergency gallbladder surgery, followed by an allergic reaction to contract dye from a CT scan, followed by a nasty, nasty cold that left me completely spent emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I went “down the rabbit hole” in a big way after getting sick… and with each “event” I gained back more and more weight, until I topped out at 207 pounds. I swore I’d never be in the 200s again. I was wrong. I’d perfected emotional eating. I’d taken to eating to make myself feel as bad physically as I did mentally. So not a good thing… I’d lost all confidence, all momentum, all mojo, and all belief in myself.

In April 2011, I started going back to the gym again. Mostly just making it to a training session or two per week with Kurt, my trainer, or a yoga class. I tried a Zumba class or two, which was okay as long as I wore a knee brace for support. But I wasn’t eating well, I wasn’t consistent, and I was still very, very, very down emotionally and not pulling out of the tailspin I was in.

In May 2011, I made my goal nothing more than “staying out of the rabbit hole.” I wasn’t going to worry about food, tracking, being consistent. I was just going to try and find ways to be happy. (Kurt threw me a life line, literally… he chucked a braided rope at me and pulled me in before attaching it to the cable cross machine for some arm work! ) Deb (BEACHDREAMS) sent me encouragement and support through SparkPeople and Facebook. My teams, the Hawks and the Crushers, pulled me along.
At the Wells Fargo Pavilion Theatre in Sacramento, there’s a plaque on one of the chairs that reads, “If you’re not having any fun, it’s your own fault.” That was me – I hadn’t had any fun since I’d been Christmas shopping with friends in December. I started making it to more Zumba classes – which are always so fun. I started working harder with my trainer – he had me doing things to strengthen my back, my knee, my core, and I started to feel improvements in my body, my balance, my abilities. I took a long weekend and went down to the Bay Area (where I grew up) and met up with some “old” friends and went to Santa Cruz Boardwalk and to Laguna Seca for the Ferrari race with my cousin. While down there, I went to the local 24 Hr Fitness and blasted away 500 calories on my own. Back home, I went shoe shopping (I love DSW!) and out to dinner with a friend. I walked the dog. I read a book. I started Sparking more again. I even got sick the end of the month and that still didn’t fall back down “the rabbit hole.” I was feeling stronger, more stable, happier, more energetic, more confident, more capable, and most importantly, ready to move forward again.

My SparkClass made a June challenge to track all food, the good, the bad, the ugly! The 30-somethings team started ramping up for BLC 16. The Hawks were there flying with me on the 100+ Club. And I made the decision that I was going to take the bits of momentum I had started growing in May and add to them in June! I’m back to tracking, I’m back to doing more cardio, I’m amped up when I work with Kurt, my back and knee, while aren’t perfect, are cooperating with me again! I’ve got plans to do things with friends that aren’t centered around food! And although my official weigh-in won’t be until tomorrow, I was already back down 3 pounds by yesterday morning! It’s truly amazing what you can do when you get everything working in the right direction… when you start to believe in yourself, in your ability, in your program and your support network.

I reset my goals, I took new photos, I stocked the kitchen. I bought a pair of Vibram FiveFinger shoes that my trainer has been trying to get me to try for months. I went to Zumba this morning and torched over 500 calories. I came home and had a good, well-rounded lunch. I made plans with a friend to make it to U-Jam tomorrow night, and to a Zumba Master Class with Bradley “Crazy Socks” next weekend. I logged my food! I logged my exercise and checked my Body Bugg data! I Sparked!

And I remembered… I remembered what it was like to be 300+ pounds. I remembered what it was like to be in the 150s. And I KNOW where I was happier. I know where I felt better. I know where I was more able. I know where I was stronger. I know where I want to be again.

Towards the end of The Biggest Loser this last season, one of the last images of TBL gym was Bob's quote, "It's not about winning the game. It's about fixing what is broken."

3 years ago, I knew what was broken. Right now, I’m not 100% sure… but I’m 100% committed to finishing what I’ve started. And I’m going to bust through, jump over, or stomp into the ground any obstacles in my way. I will not be perfect. I will not manage to always stay on my feet. I may not even manage to stay completely out of that dang rabbit hole… but I know again, what it’s like to be dancing in the rain – and I’m going to do my best to stay above ground!

A few weekends ago, I went into the gym for a session with Kurt. When I got there, I asked him if he knew what we could do with 50 or 100 pounds... (50 pounds being roughly the amount of weight I've put back on and 100 pounds being roughly the amount of weight that I've still kept off.) My next sentence was, "You know how they have the biggest losers put the weight back on and then shed it again?" and I could see the light bulb go off over his head. He says, "Wait here" and took off.

He came back a few minutes later having retrieved a real military pack from his Jeep. (Let me tell you, these packs are AMAZING! But I digress...) He then took TWO 26lb kettlebells and loaded them into the bottom compartment of the pack. Then he put the pack on me and put on the straps around the front. Then he picked up two more 22lb kettlebells and gave me one for each hand. OMG... it was hard to even breathe! That's 96 pounds total, maybe 2-3 pounds for the pack... maybe 10 pounds less than what I've lost so far... insane. Then we walked into the fitness area and he had me do 20 step-ups onto a 6 inch step. Then we took a lap around the gym... I was sweating... there was no rest from it. I can't seriously believe that I used to just EXIST like that all the time. How did I walk? How did I move? How did I do anything? My knees hurt, my back hurt, my shoulders hurt.... I did 10 more step-ups and then he let me put down the ones I was carrying in my hands... he wanted me to try and do squats, but I could hardly get down! After 10 "best I could dos" he took the pack off and had me hold them "suitcase style" in each hand and I did more squats, and more and more... It's so hard to believe that I've taken that off times 2 and put that back one times 1. It's time to turn that around. It makes such a difference... my workout today was a major eye opener for me. I completely understand why they do this at The Ranch. It takes you back and makes you want to Never, Ever, Never go there again.

So unidentified demons – you are NOT going to drag me back there! I may not make the progress that I want, when I want it, but I’ll get there. I’m more determined ever to do that. I just need to remember that for me, finding balance will probably always be a challenge. I will always have stresses in my life. I’ll probably never get enough sleep. I’ll probably always deal with some ache or pain as I continue to push my body’s limits and bust through them. I’ll probably never have the time to do all the things that I want to do. But I’ll find the time to do the important things. I’ll work hard. I’ll play hard. And I’ll Spark.

-Audra